Today as I sit in a coffee shop near our team house, I realize that for a good twenty-minutes or so I just stared at the rain outside. Once I caught myself staring, I realized that I wanted nothing more than to just get up from this table and run in it…somewhere far away.
And then, I remember that I’m in Cambodia. A country where even catching a tuk-tuk to the store a mile away is difficult because the driver will have no idea where you’re trying to tell him to go, no matter how much sign language you use. And I remember that I’m on the World Race. And I remember that I have two classes of 1st and 2nd graders that will be expecting their teacher tomorrow. And I remember that there are five other women waiting back at the team house, where I will in fact be expected to be in an hour because that’s when it gets dark.
And I remember that vulnerability and pain just aren’t things that you can avoid on the race. You can, but you can also plan on carrying a whole lot of heavy emotional baggage from country to country, because let’s be real, God doesn’t want you sitting in your mess. And trust me, your pack and daypack have enough weight.
This week I feel like I’m on some twisted game show full of strange scenarios that I’m supposed to complete in a certain amount of time.
Figure out how to support raise another $2,000 in the next 15 days…
Sort through the heavy spiritual warfare that’s strong enough to cause panic attacks…
Deal with an unexpected heartbreak from someone you never thought would not be a part of your life…
Trust me when I say that today isn’t a pretty picture for me; it’s not one of those days you see on the World Race Instagram page. If I were to Instagram it you wouldn’t see any waterfalls; no street kids being played with; and no clever C.S. Lewis captions. What you would probably see is the unacceptable amount of grape Mentos wrappers covering my bed surrounded by a pile of tissues and my closed Bible. Yeah. I can’t lie, I’m grieving. I’m hurting. I’m feeling somewhat stuck and I’m uncomfortable.
But here’s the difference at the way I’m dealing with this now, as opposed to Pre-Race Casey. I now have the solidified trust that God is in fact doing something great in my life. There is a refinement process happening, and I must go through it. I now realize that I am a woman of God; created with strength, determination, and a whole lot of passion and love for Him and the world He created. I know that it’s OK to grieve; it’s OK to grieve hard. In fact, brothers and sisters, when we don’t allow ourselves to grieve, we are simply building walls in our hearts that are going to deflect the love that the Father is trying to send into our lives. I’ve learned that by grieving well, you open up your soul to healing that can only come from the Lord. He is faithful to his promises. Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
So tonight, I will not force myself to be OK. I won’t force a smile, or try and rush the grief I’m feeling. But I will say yes to the vulnerability that the Lord is calling me into. I will say yes to the card game that my teammates will probably get started. I will say yes to telling them what’s on my heart, trusting that they will hold it closely to theirs. They’ll hear me cry, they’ll love me well. I will keep reading the promises that the Lord has given me in his Word. I’ll eat all the grape Mentos. And I will keep running this Race.
I want to keep learning and walking into everything that the Lord is calling me into here on the World Race. I want to keep being refined into the woman of God that I’m created to be. And I want to keep sharing the stories of redemption from these beautiful countries and cultures; to keep going to them and loving them hard. To do that, I need to receive financial support to stay on the Race. I need another $7,355. I need $2,100 of that to come in before October 1st. I trust that if the Lord wills it, it will happen. But I ask you to prayerfully consider donating by going to the “Support Me” tab on the left side. Also, please share this with anyone that you know who may be willing to support me. I am thankful for your support and prayer!
With love,
Casey
