It was around Day 4 of Training Camp when I decided I didn’t want to go on the World Race anymore. It had been a rough couple of days. I’d been pushed to my limits talking about grief and emotions, and I was at the end of my rope when it came to my identity. I realized maybe I wasn’t so sure who I was and that pissed me off. I had built my life around knowing things, and that included myself. I was pretty good at holding myself together, and I felt I was on the verge of a panic attack after crying for about the 6th time in front of random AIM staff and fellow squad mates that I wasn’t convinced I should trust.
I was unraveling.
We had another night session that seemed strange and confusing, and my mind began to race. I was on overload and suddenly everything felt extremely overwhelming. I’d pretty much decided I wasn’t cut out for the World Race lifestyle, and I saw a tarantula-sized spider walking back to my tent that I was convinced was out to get me.
I was done.
I made it back to my tent where I decided to check-out. I’d been determinedly following the whole “no-phone” thing up until this point, but I didn’t care. I resolved to self-medicate with the comfort of home and I pulled out my iPhone. But, little did I know that while my phone had been sitting in my bag for a few days, the battery drained. I’d turned it on, opened up some text messages from home and the screen went black. Dead.
My angry pity-party had hit its peak and the heaviest rain I could imagine started to fall. And it was in that moment that I began to cry. Not just a gentle cry. I was sobbing in my tent. The rain was loud enough to drown me out and that’s when I decided,
I don’t want to do this.
Because I think it was in that very moment that I realized in the deep parts of my soul that for the first time, perhaps in my entire life, I was alone. There was me, and there was Jesus. I had a squad of 50 people, but somehow I found myself less concerned with what was happening around me, very aware of myself and very aware of the God who was with me.
I don’t remember how long I cried that night, and I don’t remember laying down. But I remember waking up the next morning exhausted from hours spent emptying anger, fear, sadness, and desperation that my heart had built up for years.
I entered into the most raw season of brokenness I’d ever experienced.
And I’d begun a new journey. I still wasn’t so sure about the World Race, and I was still absorbed in self-protection. I was exposed and vulnerable, and it felt very foreign to me. I made sure to remind myself that the Race would be great, but that I probably wouldn’t be THAT different once I got home. I made excuses. I rationalized. And I still had no idea what the hell I’d gotten myself into.
But from that moment on, although I sometimes resisted, Jesus began to knock on the closed doors of my heart.
He began to radically turn everything I knew upside down, and at times it felt hard to keep up with it all. His pursuit was gentle, yet fierce. But then He started to meet me with mercy, to show me His glory and beauty. He told me who I was, and at the same time revealed parts of His character that I never knew. He taught me how to laugh. Real, unashamed laughter. He taught me that when my heart breaks it actually draws us closer, because His heart breaks for the same things. He taught me that I don’t have to strive. He taught me how to grieve. And He healed parts of my heart that I didn’t know were broken. He still is in Month 11. Through Team Leading the last 7 months, I’ve learned about communication, about loving broken people through my brokenness and so much about humility. I’ve seen the world and I’ve seen the beauty, the brokenness, and the hope that is springing up. And I’ve tasted the freedom of a life abandoned for His glory. And as much as I can’t wait to see all of you in person, to sleep in my bed, and to sit alone at Starbucks, I am more than content with this process of life; this sweet, crazy, messy journey.
And I’d do it all again.
Those are strong words. And, with that, I’d like to announce that I will in fact be doing it again!
I know, it’s crazy.
I’m going back on the World Race.
I’m going to Training Camp just two weeks after I return back home, June 5th-18th, pulling out my tent and re-visiting the spiders. This time, I’ll be leading in August as a Squad Leader. I’ll go through the whole process with the Squad along with one or two other Squad Leaders and will be part of a Leadership Team that includes a Mentor and Coaches and spend 5 months on the field with the Squad. I’ll be traveling every 7-10 days to different teams and serve them as someone who’s done the Race already and empower them in the process, so this season will involve much more traveling than my current Race and a whole lot of discipleship. During my time as a Team Leader on the Race, I’ve realized I am passionate about leadership and pouring into people individually, and I’m excited to be able to continue learning what that looks like and walk alongside some really cool people. I’ll also be doing ministry with the teams while I’m there. Then, after 5 months, I’ll come back home. I’ll go back on the field for a week to meet them at Month 7 Debrief and again at Month 11 Debrief.
My time on the Race has been life-changing, and the change isn’t over. I will continue that process while also pouring out what I’ve learned to those who are new to it.
I will be support-raising again, but this season of raising support is different for a couple of reasons:
1. I’ve learned this year that support-raising isn’t just a pre-requisite to going out on the mission field or some sort of chore I have to get done before I leave. It’s a part of my ministry, and an essential one at that. My support team is important to me, and is part of my community here on the field.
2. I’m raising a considerably smaller amount this time-around. I’m confident that the Lord knows how much I need, and I believe He has a plan for a team of supporters to reach that goal. I’m building a team of supporters to raise the following amounts:
*$3,500 for the first 5 months
*$500 for spending money (food, doctor visits, and any other extra things not included in our budget)
*$1,500 for Month 7 Debrief
*$1,500 for Month 11 Debrief
The total I need to raise is $7,000. The bolded amount is what I need to raise before I leave in August ($4,000). I also am hoping to purchase a MacBook Air, as soon as possible, before I leave. I would like to put my passion for writing into action through blogging and also be able to support-raise efficiently and a sturdy, reliable computer will help that process as well as allow me to do the office tasks I’ll have to do for the Squad. It’s compatible with the other electronics I have, light to carry, and after doing this thing for a year, I’ve observed them to be the most practical and durable choice. I would be content if this is new or used, and if you feel led to help with this part of my support, please let me know.
I would like to humbly yet boldly ask you to become a monthly supporter. Will you prayerfully consider a monthly donation of $25, $50, $100, $250 or another amount? It’s simple to sign-up for, and you can sign-up for automatic monthly payments. One-time donations are also great and much appreciated, especially as I need to reach $3,500 before I launch in August.
My support page is located on my blog: caseyroberts.theworldrace.org (The support bar at the top may still reflect the amounts I’ve already raised for the World Race, but it should be updated soon. You can still give!)
I would also love to meet in person or via Skype to talk more or to answer any questions you may have!
I couldn’t have done the World Race without all of your support, and this new season will be the same. I can very much resonate with the journey and words of Paul, “…you sent me help for my needs once and again. Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases to your credit. I have received full payment and more. I am well supplied…and my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Through your giving the nations will be blessed. The Squad I lead will be blessed. I am blessed. And I am most hopeful to grow and be a blessing to you as well.
Thank-you for being people who are willing to stand by my side in the mission God has called me to; for intentionally following and supporting my journey both financially and prayerfully and pressing in to the story the Lord has blessed me to share.
As I prepare to head out on this next part of my journey, I can rest easy knowing that no matter how difficult, no matter how much I have to sacrifice or how messy the process, Jesus will meet me there. And more than that, His Kingdom will be furthered. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of this, it’s that
He’s worth it.
