Manzini, Swaziland
“The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs–heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.”
Romans 7:19
It’s been a while since I last wrote. I know it’s time to come out of my blogging hiatus, so here goes. Similar to month three of the World Race in Cambodia, I feel the slightly unhinging feeling that comes with heavy change.
I’ve been writing and re-writing a blog now for almost a month, and I’ve become frustrated. I’ve written about everything from justice to abandonment to packing lists. I want to communicate, but what is it I want to say? What do I tell everyone at home who has faithfully followed my World Race journey for the past seven and a half months? Well, honestly, I want to tell you what’s real.
I want to tell you amazing stories about what God is doing here in Swaziland and also what He did in South Africa, but first there’s a longing in my soul for you to know my heart and what the Father is doing; because I can’t seem to accurately convey the weight behind the experiences without first getting rid of some of the layers of who I used to be that I’ve left behind and allow you to walk with me on the journey of where I’m going.
Here’s the thing; I’m having an identity crisis. “Who I am”, for the majority of my life, has been a reflection of who others have wanted or “needed” me to be, and many of my actions and decisions have reflected this “false-self” identity that I created for myself. I lived a habitual cycle of be “perfect-do what others need-do what others want-become emotionally overwhelmed-repeat”. And because of that I often felt the shame of not measuring up. Of not being perfect. Circumstances in my past became areas of shame and avoidance, and I became a person who under the surface, was deeply afraid of myself. Who wasn’t sure of myself apart from what others thought or said.
That’s scary.
Now, as I walk the end stages of the Race, the Father has been teaching me about…me. I’m walking through my life right now from a different perspective. He’s turning everything I’ve known upside down. Peeling away at the false identity that has formed throughout my life. And it hurts. He’s breaking me down, in the best of ways.
Brenè Brown writes, “…we must also remember that our worthiness, that core belief that we are enough, comes only when we live inside our story. We either own our stories (even the messy ones), or we stand outside of them–denying our vulnerabilities and imperfections, orphaning the parts of us that don’t fit in with who/what we think we’re supposed to be, and hustling for other people’s approval of our worthiness. Perfectionism is exhausting because hustling is exhausting. It’s a never-ending performance.”
God spoke to me very clearly my last week in South Africa, “I want you to work on being the you that I’ve created you to be, not the you that you think others want or need.” To end the exhausting cycle of perfectionism, shame, and avoidance.
Preparing to go into Swaziland this month, into a new season of leadership, into the final stretch of the World Race, the panic set in. What now? What do I do with all this? Will my team understand? Will I be an effective leader? How will I explain to people at home all that I’m walking through?
As I’ve spent time in Swaziland away from wifi and the distractions I normally fill my life with, I’m learning something. For the first time in my life, I’m not looking at myself in fear of who I am. And I’m not looking at myself through the eyes of other people. I’m facing head on the hard parts of my story that I’ve avoided for years, allowing them to be kissed with the redemption they deserve.
I’m ok with not knowing what’s next after the Race, because I’m starting to know WHO I am, and that doesn’t change because of WHAT I am doing. I’m ok with the unknown of re-entry to the United States coming up in three months because I’m starting to know WHO I am, and that doesn’t change because of WHAT others may think of me.
I am free. And more than that, I am enough. I am a daughter of God first, and everything else second. I am free to love fully, and to be loved.
The Lord is all about redemption. So although I feel somewhat unsure of where to go right now, I know He’s in the business of bringing everything together perfectly. I’m a different person than the girl that left for the airport seven months ago, and that’s ok. It’s more than ok, it’s something to celebrate.
The Oxford dictionary gives a secondary definition of the word ‘crisis’ as “a time when a difficult or important decision must be made”. So, here we are. I’m navigating through this process, and there are decisions that must be made. I must decide who I want to be and what I want from these last few months of the Race; and for after the Race. And this blog is one of those decisions. I want to invite you in; I know that I cannot simply run away from change, and there’s no getting around the reality that I will see many of you very soon. I’m both excited and terribly afraid of coming back. I want to communicate all that God is doing; I want to tell you all about the beautiful Swazi people and the hope that this country has. I want to stay present for this last 3 months, and allow the Father to keep changing my heart. I want to love so fully that heartbreak for the nations comes naturally, because it’s so worth it. And I want to run the end of this Race with everything I’ve got.
So, will you walk with me? Stick with me through the mess, through the adventure, and through the storms? I can’t promise you much on my end, but I can promise you that Jesus wants to take you on the same journey. You may not be in Swaziland or on the World Race, but he still wants you to do something: to be you. To let Him love you and let Him meet you where you’re at. He wants to take you through the same adventure that I’m on because He loves you that much. So, let’s go. Let’s do this thing.
Until next time,
Casey
