I’ve been sweating for about 90% of my time on the Race so far. And since about week 2 in Albania, I’ve had an unrelenting heat rash. For the past month, I’ve been itching. It has been a huge distraction for me and has caused me to lose sleep. Walking has been arduous, due to stinging pain and rawness, similar to chafing. It has repeatedly interrupted my focus, making it hard for me to stay engaged during quiet times or ministry with my team. I know it sounds dramatic, but after a month of this, I have to be honest with my frustration.
I don’t think I’ve ever been mad at the Lord before. I’ve always been pretty accepting of what He’s given me in life. Or maybe I just haven’t engaged in the full emotion of my relationship with Him. Either way, I know that this time, I was mad. I was mad at the Lord for not healing me after a month of dealing with this. I was mad that I couldn’t hear Him speak during quiet times because of the distracting itch. I was mad at myself for letting something as dumb as a rash get in the way of being with Him. I was mad that He called me on the World Race, but hasn’t kept me well.
Not to mention that time in Albania, when I came down with what I jokingly called “the plague” – a 1-2 day stomach virus that hit about 15 racers on our squad. After going through that combined with the rash, I was mad. I’ve felt like everything that could go wrong with my health on the Race has gone wrong.
During our week in Dolno Ezerovo, Bulgaria, the rash reached the worst point and became infected. It has even spread to my arms and legs, causing itching all over. Almost every night, I woke up in the middle of the night itching and usually went outside the church to cool off. And it was often there, on the front steps of the church, that the Lord met me and heard my frustration. During one of these 3 a.m. conversations with God, I came to terms with the lies that I believed about His calling on my life. He has blessed me incredibly and will continue to bless me, but He never promised perfect health in this life.
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.”
Romans 8:18-21
All this seems silly to me, since my suffering could be a lot worse than a rash, but it has become an overwhelming theme of my time in Bulgaria. So what have I learned from all this junk?
Every night that I can’t sleep for itching, my instinct is to be angry with the Lord and ask, “again God, really?” But I’m done with that immature anger and impatience. I’m choosing to turn my desperation towards my Father, instead of against Him.
No matter what He chooses to do with my health and my life, I will run into His arms without questioning.
I will not wait until the other side of the trial to praise Him. My worship will not be conditional, based solely on what He’s done for me.
I will praise Him now, amidst the suffering, because I know who He is. And if I’ve learned anything in my relationship with Him, it’s that He doesn't change.
So that’s my prayer as the Lord brings me to a new place of steadfastness. Though I will continue to pray for healing, the overwhelming plea of my heart will be for my Lord to be glorified. As we saw in the verse above, my suffering is not worth comparing to the Glory of the Lord! I pray that the Lord will impart in me the steadfastness of Paul and Silas, who were flogged and thrown into prison, and then preceded to pray and sing hymns to God. (see Acts 16)
Update: I went to a doctor last week that told me, through hilarious and slightly awkward broken English, that I have mushrooms! What that actually means is that it was not a heat rash, but a fungal infection. Sounds gross, right? Well, the World Race has expanded my comfort level talking about these kinds of things, so get ready for some honest blogs! Anyway, after a week of using some prescription cream, I’ve seen improvement, but there’s still a lot of pain and itching. Please pray for complete healing!
