“And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that He answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?”
Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:28-31.
Being a bit of idealist, a perfectionist, a typical middle child, and just a human who has messed up her fair share of times, being extra hard on myself is something I’m pretty well acquainted with. On most things, I am much more likely to offer grace to someone else in the midst of their situation than I would be to extend that same grace to myself if I were in the very same spot.
Right now, we’re over halfway done with the race (which is crazy!) and I’m gonna be real, I’m deep in the midst of my mess, and it’s been hard. In this season, I’ve received some amazing news and some incredibly hard news from my people in the states – both of which add to missing home. I’ve been stretched, I’ve been tired, I’ve been seeking comfort from things outside of God, and I’ve been fed lies from the enemy that I’ve swallowed whole. True life: I threw up out the back window of a moving van, I cried for an hour at Hardee’s, and I straight up lost my wallet because I was holding two ice creams in my hands and dropped it without noticing. All that to say, it’s not been a collection of shining moments for me these past few weeks, and it’s been more than easy to try and deny myself grace in the midst of it all.
However, one of the big themes that God’s been showing me over the Race is how His amazing, eternal love covers any lack of love I’ve felt or experienced here on earth, even when that lack of love comes from my own self.
As I was praying about God meeting me in this place where I was at, He gave me this picture of a creature in the woods. (For you LOTR people, it honestly looked like a female version of Gollum.)
The creature was wild, running around the woods, she was playing with dead animals, she was unrefined, with dirt under her nails and pieces of leaves in her hair. She looked rough, and frankly, I didn’t particularly like looking at her. While I was watching her, God walked up and was standing next to me.
“Well,” I whispered to Him. “Aren’t you going to do something?”
“What do I need to do?” He replied.
“I don’t know, just fix her,” I offered. I felt like surely He felt the same way about this creature that I did. “I mean, don’t you see her?”
He looked at the creature, and then back at me and smiled. “I do, but I’m not sure you do.” He reached over and covered my eyes with His hands, and when He released, I looked back at where the creature had been and was met with a pair of familiar, big brown eyes. The creature didn’t look like a creature anymore. In fact, the creature turned into a beautiful woman (keeping with the LOTR vibe, think Arwen!). But looking closer, this new creature actually looked like… me.
Ultimately, God was showing me that when I look at myself, I see that first image – a creature that’s been dirtied by their own doing mixed with circumstances and surroundings, and a creature that He couldn’t, and that I wouldn’t, be proud of. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth: when He looks at me, He sees His beautiful daughter that He loves immensely.
And no matter where you are right now, when He looks at you, He sees His child that He loves more than anything in the entire universe. Despite any of the things that have made us feel unworthy of love, the ultimate truth is that the author and perfector of love chose to love us first and finds us inherently worthy of love.
The greatest commandment, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’ outlined in Mark 12 is based on a huge assumption and implication that we should love ourselves. Not that He is commanding self-love in a selfish, prideful way (we all know He’s not about that), but self-love in that you are thankful for what God has created and done in, for, and through you. This verse in essence says, “As much as you naturally value the life the Father gave you, care about and value others just as much.”
In the same way that we love others when we see them the way God does, loving yourself is just having God’s eyes for you. His heart for me is that I would have His heart for all people, including myself. That doesn’t mean being perfect, or having a life without any more hardships, trials or days where one ice cream just isn’t enough, but it does mean embracing being perfectly loved in Him despite your circumstance. I’m as worthy of love on my absolute worst day as I am on the day when I seemingly get it all right.
In this season, I’ve seen and experienced this truth: embrace this perfect Love, and practice it – starting with yourself, and the grace that you experience in Him will overflow into beautiful freedom and gratitude for not only your own life, but for others as well.
“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:14.
