It’s a weird thing about the Race knowing that your life works in these short, month-long seasons. Before leaving America, I got a lot of questions from friends and family about the whole concept of 11 countries in 11 months. “What can you really do in a month’s time? How effective are you really picking up and moving every few weeks? Won’t it be hard to say goodbye and have to start over?”
I knew then and I know now, these questions are valid. Yes, it’s a short time period. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, on my own, there’s not much Casey Cappa can do in a month’s time.
And let me tell you, you’re very aware of this out here. It’s tempting to fall into the way of thinking that these questions pose: what am I doing here? What difference can I really make?
These questions would almost be overtaking if we didn’t have the Creator of the universe orchestrating His will in these countries before we ever took a step there. Because these questions seem much smaller once you remember that our God is an active pursuer, and needs not a month to change a heart – but only a moment.
In fact, I’ve grown to see that being in a place for only a month grows your faith. You learn to expect God to display His power in your weaknesses, as you are faithful to loving His children as He does. And no matter where you are, you must make a decision to invest in the people in front of you, despite knowing a goodbye is only around the corner.
This month, as soon as we arrived at Agape Orphanage, I knew that this would be a hard goodbye. These precious children opened their hearts to us quickly, Richard and Hannah (the couple who was hosting us and founded Agape) welcomed us into their lives, and it was very easy to reciprocate the love they were already showing us. We laughed, played, ate, hugged, worshipped, and rested together every day of the month. In short, Richard and Hannah and these 70 beautiful children at Agape Orphanage truly felt like family.
The closer we got to the end of the month, the more tangibly I could feel the tension within me. There comes a moment when you consciously have to decide that you will continue to love without withholding parts of your heart, even though you know it will hurt that much more when saying goodbye. The temptation to start to withdraw, to put up walls, to “guard your heart” becomes so real because your human nature of wanting to minimize pain heightens.
However, I would not trade one moment of loving one of these precious children for lessened hurt saying goodbye to them.
Because this deep Love – this is why I’m out here.
This thought often crossed my mind: what’s the alternative to me fully pouring myself out to those around me? To be indifferent to the people I’ve been sharing life with, to try and protect myself from emotional pain, to live a shallower version of my life, not trusting that Papa will take care of my heart?
I’ve lived like that in America. A lot of us do – and then there comes a point where you realize that by avoiding real hurt, you’ve also avoided real love.
Emotional apathy is not worth the sacrifice of experiencing real joy, love, hope and Life. If Jesus came so that we can be reconciled to the Father, we do not have to guard our hearts. He guards it for us.
And yet, saying goodbye to people you love still hurts. When we left Agape Orphanage, I cried and cried and cried and yep, cried more. It was tough. The night before we left, a 12 year old girl named Rose laid on my lap for an hour, bawling. She cried, saying that she had a very difficult life, and how much being her friend meant to her. Feeling loved touched her soul in a deep place that I would have never known, and God’s love displayed through our team helped heal some wounds of brokenness in her life.
When we love, we are simply sharing the Love we have received. Loving without withdrawal – that’s the love that God authored, the Love that God is. This Love has the power to heal, to changes lives. I’ve seen that whether it’s for a year, a day, a 5 minute conversation or 11 months in 11 different countries – sharing God’s love to those around me with my whole heart is not only how others lives can be changed, but how I live my life to the fullest, too. And that real love – it’s worth any cost.
“God has seen our unloveliness – the deep brokenness and rebellion in our hearts, and instead of withdrawing, He pursues us to the very end.” Matt Chandler.
