I remember sitting on a couch in the front hall in the lodge at Adventures in Missions. We were released from class at CGA to take some time to “sit and wait on the Lord.” I remember still being able to stare into the classroom looking at others sitting at tables or scattered on the upper floor across the Lodge all with their pens in their hands fiercely writing away with God.
We were tasked with not talking but to listen. Letting God have control over the conversation with our prayer and quiet times. Yet my mind raced with thoughts and questions unanswered and an unrelenting, gnawing pain in the back of my head. So I asked God if I could take some time to empty my mind on the pages of a new journal bought for the new CGA season.
Only a few pages in I begin with the heading “Hey Dad”. Our teacher challenged us to find a name for God more personal to us, one to truly see him as Father. I later changed to “Papa”, a name I still use to talk to my Heavenly Father today but at the time was still testing the waters.
I launch into a wave of scattered thoughts and emotions. To say I was overwhelmed is an understatement. And I let God know it that day. Terms such as “explode”, “worried”, “anxious”, and “ I don’t know” liter the pages of written processing. All my questions ad doubt point to two big questions that are forever written in large bold letters “Am I worth it?” And “Is God with it?”
Below them I right what I hoped to one day believe. In the same print reads “He is worth it” and “I am worthy.”
I still write in this journal, mainly because journaling is not a daily occurrence for me and I refuse to buy a new one until I finally fill one. So over a year later I see these questions jump off the page as I open my journal.
The latter question is for a different post. But these two questions are linked to the difficulty of why posting blogs is so difficult to begin with. My last blog I stated how as humans we attribute worth to things based on the time we give. So the question of my worth is always up for grasp because at the center of it is the question is “Am I, Carter Groves, worth time from either others or God himself.”
I can say a year later I am so much farther from where I have started. Over the last year I have experienced more freedom in Christ than I ever thought possible. Yet over the last two weeks I have struggled with deep aching in my soul. On why my worth is still in question.
And the answer, simply put is shame.
It is a nagging pain in my mind that is taking a long time to remove. Yet sanctification is not a day process and I know the Lord is bringing to more freedom each day. It is not something that I continue to fight day in and day out but when my faith is challenged and the Lord brings me to another level, most of the time it is against deep levels of doubt leading to shame. Much like these last few weeks have shown.
For men I believe it is almost taboo to speak of shame. I have seen it spoken of as a non-issue. A strong man does not deal with shame. That to some degree pride will fight against the power of shame. Yet I see it only strengthens it. Because pride is fueled by knowing my power, my intelligence, my wit or my abilities. Shame is the overwhelming feeling that you are not good enough. That you CANNOT be enough.
Something I missed until my World Race was what the Gospel, what Jesus says about shame. I grew up knowing the guilt of my shame yet it did fix the feelings of shame connected with sin. How deep the pain of knowing you will never be enough for the Lord in your sin. I was innocent of my sins yet did not feel accepted because of sin.
So when I read passages like Roman 5:5 “and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” and knowing that Jesus Christ is our hope is a point of wrestling. It has taken years to learn and believe that being a part of the Kingdom of God is not solely a proclamation of innocence, but the freedom of condemning shame. When Jesus looks at us, we are not an obligation because of a prayer in a church, but a beloved member of his family.
I will never forget having a vision of Jesus lifting my face, and saying to me and saying the words “You are worthy.” As Christians, many are waiting on that moment where we truly believe God accepts me, loves me, that Jesus Christ likes me.
So this past Friday, when the heavy shame came. I knew where to turn. When I questioned his love for me, Jesus immediately gave me grace abounding and showed me how much I am worth.
This blog is long but it is extremely needed. The conversation around shame must be normalized and not shamed. Many are waiting to have a place to speak about it. How shame has affected them. To learn and believe the truth of the Gospel. Because deep down, many of us are small children needing the loving approval of our Father. I have been freed from so much but it is a continual battle that I rage against the enemy.
“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
Love you all. Quite a lot.
Till next time.
