Four months later. Four months of being State side. Where to begin. Well a few readjustments include: eating all the soothing comfort foods of the south, driving a car, using actual toilets, ice, personal space, taking hot showers, not having to cover my knees for modesty, seeing dogs on leashes, napkins, free public restrooms, driving on paved roads, basking in the luxury of AC and now heat, catching up with family and friends, and jumping back into a 9 to 5 job. All things that are geared towards getting me back to the familiarity of life before The Race. It has been beautiful and brutal all at once. Navigating through the loaded conversational questions like “what was it like?” And “what’s next?” Comments such as “welcome back to the real world” and “people hate us over there because we have it so good here.” In short, “it” was incredible and ongoing. “What is next” is something I’m still figuring out. “That world” and this world are the same place, neither more or less real than the other. And most “people over there” unfortunately treat white Americans like we’re royalty. So I wanted to take a minute to set some things straight and describe what life has looked like in these last 16 weeks of being home.
Touching down in San Francisco four months ago was a whirlwind of emotions. I was excited to be back in the States but also mourning the loss of a lifestyle that drastically changed me and filled me in ways I’d never known. But that doesn’t mean the fire Jesus set in me has died down. For the first two days in San Fran, my squad and I were feeling an eeriness that was hard to put our finger on. After much conversation we diagnosed the cause of our “culture shock.” For 11 months our language, our culture, and our skin color was the minority. The Race was the first time in my life that I didn’t understand the language that was being spoken around me. I went months without seeing another white person other than my teammates. It was easy to slip into a feeling of ignorance because I didn’t really know what else to do otherwise. Most of the time, the only common ground I had with the people we encountered was our love for Jesus. And those were the strongest bonds I had. Submerging ourselves in the hustle and bustle of a major U.S city after 11 months abroad shocked us in a way that none of us could’ve prepared for. All of a sudden everyone was speaking fluent English. We could hear every conversation, every complaint, every argument. Mentally processing our surroundings on top of the conversations we could now understand was like a tidal wave to our re-entry.
I found myself so conflicted. On one hand I was angry and frustrated with people for their lack of awareness or over emphasis on 1st world things. On the other hand, I was convicted with extending mercy to those who I shared the same mindset with prior to my trip. I kept asking God “how do I adequately convey my trip, explain who You are, what You did for me, my teammates, and the people we met?” I’ve felt ashamed these last few months because I’ve felt that I haven’t lived up to the hype of my return. Like there is this microscope hovering over me. People watching my every move, hanging on my every word, waiting to see how my “radical sabbatical” changed me but I haven’t measured up. I unconsciously crept into the darkness a little more. “Was this the greatest chapter of my life?” “Was this the greatest thing I’ll ever do?” Living in fear that I will disappoint people and my faith will turn into a 1 hit wonder.
But the Lord blanketed me with a warm revelation and peace in those moments. What I love about God is how He’ll answer your question with a question. So He asked me “why. does. it. matter?” Why does it matter what people think of you if you know who you are with Me? Does praising Me in a season of unemployment not equally praise Me in a season of financial fruitfulness? Am I not the same God now that I was when you were holding kids in Africa or praying for prostitutes in Asia? And I was like mannnnn, you right. Obviously. He’s always right. Duh. Because the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy through lies, division, and offense. The only one who had every reason to be offended was the one who came and demonstrated unconditional love, forgiveness, and acceptance. The word says we should live Christ-like lives and that has given me so much clarity. If I’m living a life declaring who Jesus is, the rest shouldn’t matter.
So here we are at month four. I’ve secured two jobs, I’m going to be an Aunt, I’m rooming with my parents, I spend a lot of time with family and friends all while glancing back at what my life looked like this past year. I miss it more and more everyday, but I’m excited to see what He has next for me.
I cant extend enough gratitude for the warm welcome everyone has given me over these few months. Your words, smiles, hugs, and questions have comforted me in this time of transition and I couldn’t be more thankful. If you have any questions or want to talk please reach out. I’d love to continue sharing my experience with you or be a listening ear or someone to pray with you.
Love you guys.
