So something I have been thinking about a lot lately is doubt.
God has been teaching me to follow Him through and in spite of my own doubt.
As I am getting closer and closer to my launch date for the World Race I am realizing more and more how many important events I am going to miss in the lives of my family and friends back home.
My best friend since middle school is getting married and I won’t be there. All my siblings and my parents will be getting together for holidays and I won’t be there. There will be family pictures that I won’t be in. I will miss family dinners. I will miss birthdays. I will miss trips and inside jokes. I will miss doing life with people that I have grown up with my whole life. I feel physical pain that I will miss out. I am selfish and I want to be a part of these special events. I don’t necessarily doubt that God is calling me to the World Race, but I selfishly don’t want to miss a year of life at home. At the same time I can’t wait to love people all over the world.
As I was reading the story of the crucifixion and resurrection the other day, I realized that the disciples saw that Jesus had been crucified and they knew that He would be resurrected and they still had some doubt.
“Then the eleven disciples left for Galilee, going to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshipped him– but some of them doubted! Jesus came and told his disciples, “I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Matthew 27:16-20
He was standing right in front of them yet they still doubted. God is standing right in front of me telling me to “GO” and follow Him around the world yet I still doubt. I am human. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is an important part of life to ask questions and even doubt. This quote has been going over and over in my head for the past few months:
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” -C.S. Lewis
There are two things that I find comfort in reading this story.
1. I find comfort in the fact that the disciples doubted yet they still followed Jesus and changed the world.
2. I find comfort in knowing that Jesus is with me always, even in my doubt. “And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” – Matthew 27:20
Over the 11 months that I am on the World Race I am going to be uncomfortable probably more often than not. I will not always be clean, or full, or well rested, or understood (language barriers), but I find comfort in knowing that I have a God who loves me so dearly and who will be with me always. No matter what I do or where I am He is constant and that is something I am grateful for. This is another quote that I have prayed about so much in the past few months: “All things happen for your good and God’s glory, not your comfort, your desires, or your pleasure.” This year is not about my comfort or even my growth; it is about His glory and sharing His love that He shows me daily.
My prayer is not that I necessarily overcome doubt, but that I learn to follow Christ and love His people despite myself and my own feelings. Please continue
to pray for my squad and the people of Uganda, Rwanda, Ethiopia, India, Nepal, Malaysia, Cambodia, Thailand, Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua.
Much love, Carson
