As I sit down to write this blog I don’t really know what to say, but I know I have to say something.
The past 3 months have been hard. There are so many days that I have been so over living in community and honestly I just wanted to be invisible. Malaysia was incredibly hot; most nights I woke up sweating. In Guatemala my team was with another team so there were 13 of us sharing 1 bathroom with EXTREMELY limited water. We had water when it rained, but it didn’t rain much so we went days without showering. We had to be very frugal to save enough water to brush our teeth. The biggest of the 3 rooms we lived in had no electricity.
This month in Honduras has brought challenges of its own. Seven of us live in 2 rooms. The room I am in is a makeshift room made of plywood that fits 2 beds only and my host built it the day we got here. We can’t leave our house unless we are with our host because the area is not safe. So basically we are on lockdown. Also our host and his family speak very, very little English and my team speaks very little Spanish and we have no translator.
A week ago we got to Honduras, as we went to church our first night here we began meeting several children in the neighborhood. After speaking the little Spanish we know and piecing together families we found out that many of these children are related. There is a family of 11 children at the church. They range from ages 1-15. They have orange-ish hair which signifies malnutrition and the younger ones have swollen bellies from lack of nutrition as well. Most of them are small for their age from stunted growth. They go to a school at the church in the mornings and they go to the public school in the afternoons. The church is partnered with a larger organization that has a feeding program so the children get at least one meal a day. Both of their parents work, but it’s not enough to keep their bellies full.
As I walked home for lunch today the Lord gave me a gentle slap in the face. The last 3 months have been hard… so what?
There are kids next door that don’t have a good roof when it rains and they don’t get food daily.
I go home in 2 months… I have all that I could need and more. I have a bed and A/C and food whenever I want it, whether I am hungry or not.
“In each of our stories, there is a moment when all of our priorities, all of our concerns, are shifted. Our identity begins to change with it. We sense a disparity between what is and what should be. There is a nagging feeling in our souls that something’s been wrong with the world for a while, and when this moment happens, the feeling is no longer bearable. You no longer ‘fit’ into the old world. You’ve seen too much, heard too many things, and you can’t got back to ordinary living.” -Jeff Goins
As I sit here and type I am angry and sad and frustrated… I didn’t chose to be born in the U.S. and they didn’t chose to be born in Honduras. In the U.S. ignorance is bliss. You can’t change what you aren’t aware of…but now I have no excuse and if you are reading this you don’t either.
I can’t go home the same…I have seen too much, I have felt too much, I have heard too much. I want more. I need more. The “American Dream” is too small.
“Nothing about my birth – or yours – was random or accidental. I was born for this time – and so were you. We were each chosen for a particular, cosmically important task that can be done by no one else.” ? Christine Caine
The Lord has been teaching me about faith in the last 2 months. I believe God can do anything. I believe he can change the world or I like to think I believe that. Sometimes it all feels too much…there are too many hungry and too many poor and too many going without what they need.
“Afterward the disciples asked Jesus privately, “Why couldn’t we cast out that demon?” “You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” Matthew 17:19-20
My conversation with the Lord looked more like this…
God, why can’t I feed ALL of them? You don’t have enough faith, God told me. I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.
I can’t change the world… The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit can. So for now I will trust and have faith that my Father does not leave nor abandon his children. And I will feed the one that is in front of me.
We’re doing the thing!
Much love, Carson
