Christmas for me is homemade pizza and sleeping in the same room with all my siblings on Christmas Eve. The smell of a live Christmas tree, decorating Christmas cookies, and giving and receiving gifts from family and friends… However, this is not what Christmas will look like for me this year and that’s okay. Last year I had the flu so I missed going to the Christmas Eve service. I think the Lord was preparing me for giving up my normal and preparing me for the change of this Christmas in India.
I came on the race to love people, I didn’t think I needed a full transformation. I came on the race for other people not myself, but the Lord had better plans in mind than I had for myself. He desired that I find my beauty and worth inside myself that He gave me. I am learning that I have the same character traits and I have the same personality as I did before the race, but I now see the things I have as gifts. This Christmas the Lord is also teaching me a lot about Spiritual gifts and finding what I bring to the Kingdom. I took a spiritual gifts test the other day and I got 1. encouragement, 2. mercy, and 3. giving so now I am looking at what it looks like to walk in those as gifts and give them to others. I have always had those things, but I never saw them as gifts until now.
1. Encouragement—Possessors of this gift encourage members to be involved in and enthusiastic about the work of the Lord. Members with this gift are good counselors and motivate others to service. Encouragement exhibits itself in preaching, teaching, and ministry (Rom. 12:8).
Ok so I’m about to get vulnerable for a minute… Something I worry about sometimes is what if I speak words of encouragement over people and then it doesn’t come true? Did I hear the wrong thing? Did I hear my own words and not God? I don’t want to look like I made it up. I have the gift of encouragement and I believe that prophesy plays a part in that even though I don’t necessarily think that is a strong gift I have. So I hesitate to speak sometimes because I can’t tell whose words they are… Mine or God’s… I am learning that if the words I speak are not true then God is still good and He still uses me and speaks through me.
2. Mercy—Cheerful acts of compassion characterize those with the gift of mercy. Persons with this gift aid the body by empathizing with hurting members. They keep the body healthy and unified by keeping others aware of the needs within the church (Rom. 12:8).
Last month, I got to see the Lord’s heart for Syria and it was hard, because I wanted to do something, but that’s not why He showed me. He wanted me to feel Him and experience Him more deeply. A teammate told me that the Lord just wanted to show me that’s why He broke my heart for Syria and not Kenya, because he didn’t want me to fix anything. I think the Lord was walking me though what the gift of mercy looks like… I see people differently and He was showing me.. giving me His eyes.
3. Giving—Members with the gift of giving give freely and joyfully to the work and mission of the body. Cheerfulness and liberality are characteristics of individuals with this gift (Rom. 12:8).
The last couple of months have been a lot about personal growth for me. Most of my life I have focused on other people to ignore my own stuff….I had to tell myself that does not make me selfish. Getting vulnerable again…A few weeks ago I sat down with our squad leader Megan and we started talking and I realized that I am still holding onto shame that I need to let go of. In the last 3 years I have lost 60 pounds, but I have never felt more self conscious, because I feel shame and embarrassment for how I looked before and I still view myself that way now. So she challenged me to find 5 physical and 5 character things I like about myself daily… which is actually really hard. She also encouraged me to find things that bring me life. So I am trying to walk in that because I will never believe the good and beauty others call out in me if I don’t believe it myself. Now after doing the 5 & 5 for a few weeks…I am beginning to see the things in myself that I have called forth in others for years. This month is a lot about pursuing myself and letting others love me.
Along with Spiritual gifts the Lord is also teaching me about the gift of the Holy Spirit. I have been thinking/praying about the Holy Spirit a lot lately. The Holy Spirit is not something I feel like I grew up talking about or really even learning much about.. it was just always kinda there. Right now the Lord is teaching me some really cool things about the Holy Spirit.
“The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same spirit living within you.” Romans 8:11
This is one of my memory verses this month… I have read it before, but it finally clicked this time and it is blowing my mind. The Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead is in us… That is powerful and like woah. WE have power in us.. we have the power to bring life like God did. Daily we can bring life or bring death… bringing death sounds dramatic and it took me awhile to warm up to this phrase, but bringing death doesn’t require words and honestly neither does bringing life. Romans chapter 8 is good. So my prayer this month is that I bring life to my team and to our squad and to all those I interact with. So here is a challenge for you: bring life!
So this year for Christmas my gifts look different. This year I am getting and giving… encouragement, mercy, a spirit of giving, I am bringing life, and I am viewing myself through the eyes of Jesus, because He sees beauty in me. I am giving myself the gift of freedom to be myself because being anything else is exhausting. God has already given me this freedom, all I have to do is exist and He loves me, now I have to give that to myself.
These are ways I am finding freedom…
India is changing me and it’s good. Last night my teammates convinced me to buy a saree which for those of you that don’t know is basically just fabric wrapped around you and yes your stomach does show. Self-confidence for the win.
Have a Merry Christmas!! Sending so much love from India!
We’re doing the thing!
Much love, Carson
