It’s hard. It’s so hard. Leaving Africa in the next few days is going to be so incredibly hard. These past 2 months have flown completely by. I feel like I started this journey yesterday. I remember the nerves I had meeting my team on the first day. Feeling anxious wondering if I’d measure up. Worried if I met expectations or worried I would be enough. But God showed me otherwise.
It’s always been tough for me to ever truly hear God. I knew he was there but I was always asking for more. Wondering why people could see God in a way I couldn’t. Feeling angry and confused with God because I wanted to hear. I wanted to know what was next. I wanted my nerves to be calm and my ideas satisfied and certain. I wanted to have a one up on people. To seem more connected to him than others to satisfy myself as being a good Christian. I felt like I had to work for God’s love for him to be satisfied with me and then I could be satisfied with myself. I was hard on myself and selfish.
But life isn’t always certain. Things happen that are far beyond my control and harder than my heart could handle on my own.
Once I started to realize that God will deliver, that he has my best interest, that I don’t have to work to keep God in my heart but that he is always there and never left, is when He blew me away.
I came to God humbly. I came to God without selfish ambition or agenda to figure out what was next with life or what I could get Jesus clout from. But I came to him. His presence, his spirit. My ego on its knees, hands open, heart wide. And wait for it… listened. I listened to the Lord. I didn’t come to him with a handful of problems that I just wanted fixed because life would be easier, I didn’t come to him praying for a relationship expecting it to fill my loneliness, I didn’t come to him asking protection for my family because I didn’t want to feel the pain of loss, I didn’t come to him thanking him for things keeping in mind that if I didn’t he’d take them away. I came without some deep hidden agenda. I finally came with a longing heart to know him. And this is what he showed me.
I had never received visions from the Lord before. And here it is. 
