I went straight from the crazies of training camp to the crazies of my sister’s wedding, so I had nothing but a 6 hour car ride in between to be by myself and think over training camp immediately after the fact. 6 hours for 10 days? I don’t think so. I jumped straight back into the real world after training camp and put everything that happened on the back burner. But now, a month later, I am finally sitting down to debrief and formulate my feelings and thoughts into words.
There is not one single thing that happened to me at training camp that I can just write a whole blog post about, so this is going to be all over the place (symbolic for how my emotions were at training camp). I learned how to set up a tent in the pitch black by myself, survived being the only one on the squad who “had lice” (I didn’t really, I’m sure of it), ate more than one cricket, sweat in places I didn’t think I could, showered less than I should’ve and met some of the kindest people that I CANNOT WAIT to spend 9 months with. Regardless, this was one of the hardest weeks of my life. I was so emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically DRAINED the whole entire week. I really don’t think that there are even words ever created to describe how training camp felt, but paradoxical would probably be the closest thing to it. Weird, I know. But let me explain.
This week was the hardest, yet one of the best weeks of my life. I have never been dirtier, but I have never felt cleaner. I have never felt more full, even though I was hungry 24/7 (except the day I ate 7 sandwiches). I wanted to cry and sing at the same time. the. whole. week. Seriously. it was such a wave of emotions this whole week, creating so much emotional exhaustion that made me physically exhausted every night. Although I was so tired, I felt more alive than before. I was more myself to strangers than I am towards some of my close friends. Even when I was alone, I was never lonely. It was everything I expected and the complete opposite.
Even though I felt this odd array of emotions, the Lord taught me so much about Him (much more important) and here’s a glimpse at what He taught me:
- JOY. If y’all know me, you know that joyful is probably not the first word to come to mind when you think of me. I think I am more of a realist than a dreamer, but that kind of got wrecked during training. I have never felt full and complete joy until that week and I CRIED because of it. My body literally did not know what to do with all the joy, so I cried during worship. It was so awesome.
- My worth in the Cross. I know, it is such a fundamental thing for Christians to know, but I struggle with self worth and finding my identity in things of this world. Training camp taught me that who I am is in Christ alone, and what my Creator thinks of me is way better than what anyone else thinks. He died for me. and you. and all of us. That is really incredible. He is a gooooooood Father who loves us and calls us His beloved, worthy, chosen, seen.
- freedom!!!!!!! I don’t know if I have ever felt so free. I feel like I moved from always feeling like the victim into feeling liberated from everything that had been tying me down.
- the Lord is so good. not just sometimes, but all the time. He literally is goodness. One big thing I learned was that everything good is of the Lord, including our thoughts and actions. I need to swallow my pride and humble myself before the Lord a lot more because nothing good is of me, it is all Him. With Him being good, everything he makes is good. In Genesis, it says that the Lord made man and said that it is “very good”, not just good like the moon and stars and sun and seas. Goodness is God’s nature, he can never not be good. It is so hard to wrap our brains around that because that is not how any human is, but how dare we try to fit him into our human boxes?
- the importance of resting in the Lord’s presence. Our lives are soooo fast, we are so accustomed to being on the go and wanting to be in control. But we need to take time to rest in God’s presence, if we are too quick to leave, we may miss something so good. During training camp, I really rested in the Lord’s presence for the first time and it was incredible. Indescribable. Peace resounding.
Thank y’all so much for taking the time to read this, for prayers and for donations!!!! I can’t wait to share with y’all the crazies of what happen over the next 9 months (hopefully not a month after they happen). It is absolutely insane that I leave in ONE MONTH. Please continue to pray for me and my team!! I also still have about $4,000 left to raise, so if you or your family are feeling lead to do so, you can donate on my blog!
