“I should really…” if I had a dollar for every time I started a sentence with that phrase, I would be a wealthy woman. Oftentimes it is with simple things such as I should really exercise, I should really not waste so much time, I should really clean, etc. But day after day, I don’t do the things I know I really should. And days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. Still nothing changes. Then begins a series of assumptions. When circumstances change, things will be better. When I have a few days off, I’ll sort things out, and it will be better. Someone will give me some advice and things will be better. I’ll read an inspirational book and then I’ll know what to do. Well, I’ve read 3 books in the last month and all were inspirational and great, but they did not magically make me a different person. I don’t think circumstantial change, time away, getting advice or reading good books are without value, but it’s not the whole picture. It’s not the complete solution. I am learning to be an active participant in my own life, and not just let life pass me by; to apply knowledge, instead of just storing it. I am so beyond guilty of waiting for things to change, thinking that someday I’ll do this or be like that. But just thinking those thoughts and doing nothing to attain them is worthless. Therefore, it is a habit that I am beginning to break.
I was recently presented with the opportunity to go out to a field in the middle of nowhere and yell. Seemingly random- yes, but the purpose of this was to release emotion or just yell whatever the heck you needed to yell. When this idea was first brought up, my first thought was, “yeah, I don’t really do that.” If you don’t know me, you’ve probably never heard me yell. And if you do know me, you’ve probably never heard me yell. In some circumstances, I guess it’s a good thing that I’m not much of a yeller, but lacking the ability to express emotion properly does not lead to good things. So after my original thought of “I don’t really do that,â€� came the usual “maybe someday in a few months I’ll be able to do that.â€� But then I was just like no, I’m so over “someday,â€� how about now? So we went with now. And the next day I went out to the field with a small group of people. I walked super slowly as we went, all the while thinking, “Am I really doing this?â€� I honestly didn’t even know if I would be able to yell. When we arrived at our destination, I walked way far away from everyone. As I wandered around on the dirt road, I didn’t even know exactly what to do. I slowly worked up the courage to yell. It was a little on the awkward side and not gonna lie I kind of just grunted at first. But then all of a sudden I succeeded. I yelled. I yelled at the top of my lungs for the first time in I don’t even know how long. And it was fantastic. I also threw rocks at the dirt over and over and over; equally fantastic. There was so much more to that day than just yelling and throwing rocks at dirt. It was all about releasing insecurities and inadequacies. It was about expressing emotion and it being okay. It was about being supported by friends and becoming less closed off. It was about trusting in God and letting go. Looking back it was such a cool experience. It was such a victory on a number of levels. I’m glad I did this in month one, and didn’t wait for “someday.â€� I am happy and grateful that I “found my voiceâ€� much sooner than I thought I would. I guess now that I found it, I just need to use it.
