It’s down to only 9 days here on Kauai…by the time this is posted maybe even 8 since it’s already pretty late when I’m starting this.
Some people know their calling. I’m not one of those people. Or I wasn’t.
Sure I felt I was being led to the World Race. I have always had a burden for the less fortunate people of the world and when I became a Christian this was reignited. But was I sure? No, I was stepping out in faith and following the path I thought God wanted.
Along the way there have been doubts. Why would God choose me for this, surely there are better options? And fears. Could somebody please tell me why I’m doing this again, ’cause I seem to have forgotten. There were moments along the way, moments of panic, sadness and also elation, but never certainty that this was the thing God wanted me to be doing at this time in my life.
I prayed that God would bring me this knowing and continued to follow, wondering sometimes if I was really holding God’s hand and walking His path or if I was just lost in the wilderness.
On April 21, after Wednesday night service, a young man I barely know approached me. I took a class with him at Bible College, me auditing and him a student, but beyond that we’re virtual strangers. I was actually just about to leave when he came over, looking nervous. He told me that he had a message for me, that God sometimes gives him words for people and it is always awkward. He’d noticed I was about to leave and couldn’t let me go without speaking to me. “God is with you, he loves you and will not forsake you,” he told me. He went on to say that it was very specific that these were the 3 things that God wanted me to know and that he felt it was in relation to my mission trip. Not surprisingly, it had been an intense message for me that night and during worship I had prayed that God would speak to me.
And if there was still any doubt (which I must humbly admit there was), last night as I drove home from my best friend’s house I was wondering if this was really what I was supposed to be doing. Everywhere I go lately people ask “When are you leaving?” or “Is this the last time we’ll see you?” All this talk of leaving makes it inescapable…in 8 days (yup, only 8 now) I get on a plane and won’t return to Kauai for at least a year.
Well, I came home and turned on my computer, then did what I always do. I checked Facebook, Yahoo mail and my World Race support. As I clicked on my support tab I casually said to God “If this is what I’m supposed to do, then my support will have gone up.” I laughed at myself for so flippantly ordering God around. I was thinking “Yeah, like that’ll happen, you checked it this morning like you always do.” By the time the page opened, I had pretty much taken back my challenge to God. Yet I had about $50 more than when I’d last checked. Not a lot, just enough for me to be reassured that God is with me in this.
I do know that this is what God has called me to. Sometimes I still feel like a blind person being led up a narrow mountain trail with drop-offs and boulders to stumble upon, but God is my trail guide.
I’m quite excited at this opportunity. Many people have recently expressed jealousy or a wish that they could go. And so I feel I should end with this:
Yes, this is an amazing opportunity, the chance of a lifetime, but there is another side to it. I am walking away from my life, my home, my friends and my family. My heart has been broken in more ways than I could have imagined and I haven’t even left yet. I know that this is just a step in the journey and that there will doubtless be blessings and adventure ahead, but don’t be too envious friends. Not now. When I’m throwing pictures on this blog from Thailand, then by all means, wish you were me, but for right now, snuggle a little deeper under your blankets and be thankful for all that you have.
