Basically, as of right now, I’m not that excited.
Weird, right? In 7 months, Lord willing, I’ll be setting off with some other incredible people to go serve “the least of these.” 11 different countries, 11 months… I should be excited!
Even so, as I cleaned out my closet today, deciding what to keep and what to throw away, what to try to sell, what to try to transport back to my parents' house, etc., I was struck with how attached to it all I really am. And why am I? It’s not like I use all of it all the time, I just like to be prepared. I like to save, reuse, and recycle. I don't like to wast things. I like to be practical. Right?
Or is it that I don’t trust God to bring me what I need each day? “Give us this day our daily bread,” right?
Maybe I’m making too big of a deal out of this. I just didn’t think I’d be this person. I thought I’d be the one to be all excited about getting rid of stuff, living a simpler life of abandonment, and traveling around the world serving people.
Don't get me wrong, I really am excited. I want to go. I’m just going to miss things here so much. I’m going to miss my family (like I already do, most of the time), my lovely roommate, Colorado, school, math, hot showers…
But when it comes down to it, I never had any of those things in the first place. They were gifts. Do I deserve to be comfortable? To be clothed? To have an education, to have a great roommate, to be around my family? Are they mine?
Not because of anything I’ve done, that’s for sure. I do my best, but if Paul was right, my righteousness is like dirty rags. In short, I am incredibly blessed by God by these things in my life. But can I give them up? Do I consider them rubbish compared to knowing Christ Jesus our Lord?
“But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:7-11
The other big thing that’s been holding me back is fear. I’m basically a chicken. It probably ties into the whole trust thing. Anyways, I think I’m afraid that I don’t have anything all that special to offer… even in my testimony. Which is a load of lies from Satan, but it eats at me. And besides, I suck a public speaking. I had a few presentations this semester… I really thought I was going to throw up a couple of times before they were over. It was awful…
Before I wrote this post, I just typed out a bunch of short ideas in my head- single words, mostly. But three lines went like this:
Me=Selfish, Prideful, Unworthy, Afraid, Unprepared, Weak
No.
Me=Forgiven, Blessed, Loved, Daughter of the Most High, Redeemed, Called to GO
Yep. There it is.
There’s a song by a band called Waterdeep that made a big impact on me while I was making my decision to apply for the World Race. The song is simply titled “Go.”
“Go tell it on the mountaintops that I'm alive! Go listen to the children cry and let them know that dark and night are not their masters...Go tell them that it's cold outside and I won't thrive there. I'm getting tired of hiding My face from your disgrace, although you think that you've disguised it. And when you get too tired of waiting to picture My face in the clouds, look around! I know it won't be sown the way you want it to be- I will make it grow with or without you. I'll wait, You'll pray, you may fall down a time or two, but I love you… Go tell it in the valleys low that I'm alive! Go listen to the men that sigh and let them know that dark and night are not their masters. And when you get too tired of waiting to picture My face in the clouds, look around!”
Okay, Lord.
