I love kids, but I'm not really a "kid" person. They can be annoying, they don't usually listen to me, and I'm definitely not one of those people that kids naturally flock to.
So God, being omniscient, knows this about me. Yet He chose to put me in this team and in these ministries geared towards kids for the last two months. He obviously has a plan.
It's hard not to judge your worth in kid ministries by how well the kids like you. It's hard not to compare yourself to your teammates who seem constantly surrounded by these kids.
In college, a large part of my identity was in being a musician. I played the saxophone in band and jazz band and served as a section leader for both, sang in choir and served on our leadership team as a section leader, I rang in our handbell choir, I played the bass drum in our drumline for a couple of years, and I did random performances/small ensembles here and there.
I loved every second of it. It was exhausting, but it was one of my primary ways of worshipping God. There's nothing like standing on that stage when every note seems like an eternity and nothing at the same time and you're pouring everything you've got to make that one note sound better all for His glory.
I miss it so much. I miss thinking, speaking, and breathing music every day. It was a totally different culture than the rest of campus.
So back to Honduras. I'm missing my role as a musician, and I feel incompetent in my role as an English teacher and someone who just plays with kids all day. We have worship nights about once a week, and there was one during which a squad leader asks us,
"What do you need to let go of to be able to sing that song like you mean it? What have you already dismissed in your mind as being too trivial to let go of? That's what you need to surrender."
So there I was, thinking about how I miss being surrounded by musicians who actually sang mostly in the right key and mostly in tempo and about how frustrated I was with worship in general that night, and my squad leader pops that question on us. Of course the first thing that came to mind was being a musician, and of course I wrote that off. "What have you already dismissed? That's what you need to surrender."
This is what I wrote in my journal the next day:
"Lord, the other night during worship, I kept feeling- well, 1. frustrated with the live music that was off key and dragging, and 2. like you were stripping me of my identity as a musician. What's that all about?"
"You know you know what that's about. Your identity is not in what you do or what you're good at."
How's that for being straightforward? I just kind of sat there for a while, thinking about all the things that I thought defined me. I flipped through my journal for a while, and I came across this list titled "How God Sees Me." Do yourself a favor- don't skim it. God has something to say to you through it. Spend time on each word.
Precious, Approved by Him, Strong, Courageous, Confident, Old Soul, His Daughter, Married to Him, Alive, Joyful, Kind, Calm, Peaceful, Clear Minded, Intelligent, Loved, Loving, Holy, Washed, Servant, Friend, Funny, Full of Light, A Joy, Not Afraid, Given His Authority, Given His Power, Given His Wisdom, Important, Seen, Heard, Forgiven, Blessed, Lovely, Beautiful, Worth Dying For, His, Gracious, Patient, With Self-Control, A Beautiful Song, Gifted, Talented, With Purpose, Gentle, Graceful, Imperfect but created Perfectly and Being Sanctified each day. He who started a good work will complete it.
So it's not that I'm suddenly not a musician because I'm on the World Race. That's far from the point. I may be a musician, but that is not who I am. I am first and foremost a created, loved, precious, redeemed daughter of the Most High, the Creator God, the Beginning and the End, the First and the Last.
So even though I feel useless here playing with kids and hanging out with teenage boys, that doesn't mean that I am. Even though I feel much more comfortable in being a musician, that doesn't mean that's all I am or all God can use me as. He is all I need. Even if I had no talent for anything, I would still be His daughter. He would still use me. He would still care for me. He would still see me as important, seen, heard, forgiven, blessed, lovely, beautiful, and worth dying for. That's how he sees all of us. Will you believe it?
