It’s been a theme for me and this Race to really look for
and acknowledge parts of God that I have a hard time seeing. I talked a little
about Him as Provider in my ‘Thanks and Praise’ blog celebrating that my
funding is complete (but Him being provider is about SO much more than money).
Another role to see Him in is as Pursuer. In the natural, with my human
relationships I have not experienced this pursuing much. I would argue at the
beginning of the race that I have not experienced this in the spiritual either.
I was sometimes envious of people with drastic testimonies, or sometimes felt like
the prodigal son’s brother (Luke 15:11-32) who watches as someone else
experiences a radical redemption but perhaps mine is based out of
self-righteousness.
Anyhow, starting in Africa, friends, leaders and teammates
started praying for me to see this role of my amazing Lord in my life. I
listened to a lot of Mumford and Sons (iTunes says I have listened to ‘Sigh No
More’ 82 times this year), did some Song of Solomon study (thanks Cassie,
Emily, and iHOP), and tried to take my thoughts captive when they were looking
for life in the natural and should’ve been finding it in the Heavenly places.
I was pursuing Him to see Him pursuing me. Not a bad
concept, but a little ironic.
Then Vietnam happened. My own personal war.
We’ve started to ask each other the questions about what our
favorite month of this thing has been. If you’ve been reading my blog at all,
you know I have had multiple favorite months. Vietnam was where I hit spiritual
rock bottom. Like, I don’t know how to pick myself up anymore. The details
aren’t important and truly didn’t make a whole lot of sense in the first place.
But I was experiencing massive loneliness, insecurity, and depression. I would
go to sleep saying declarations to myself of who I am in Jesus. I would wake up
and read verses about how much He loves me and how accepted I am in Him. And
the strangest thing happened, He started to show Himself. My attempts were an
act of desperation to survive that month. But it was all in His plan to pursue
me.
In ‘real life’, it’s easy to get distracted or frustrated or
busy and not to pursue truth in seasons where we need it. We find a way to put
a band-aid on something that the Lord has been wanting to re-set and heal for
good.
So basically, He drew me into nothingness and desperation to
show Himself. If this story sounds familiar, it’s because this is the same God
and the same sort of story that He did in Hosea:
‘Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
And speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
And will make the Valley of Achor (trouble) a door of hope.’
Hosea 2:14-15
Basically, ‘Carrie, I am going to get some time with just
you and Me. I am going to lead you into a place where everything else around
you doesn’t satisfy and doesn’t distract. I am doing this to show you Myself. I
am doing this because I am madly in love with My creation that is you.’
Once again, the details don’t matter so much, but He started
to say really specific things about His love for me. He started giving me
pictures of the One who is overwhelmed by one glance of my eye (SOS 6: 5, 4:9).
He started revealing the Lord, Lover, and Friend that He is. The One I can be
completely myself in front of. The One I can dance with and He laughs and
smiles with delight.
I know Vietnam was long time ago. The events happened there.
The processing has happened since. The growth starts here.
