Senior year of college I wrote a personal essay about the
lists I keep. It included books I’ve read, places I’ve been, and boys and girls
names for future children amongst others. At this moment I can look around my
room and see at least 3 current ‘to do’ lists. Some are for daily things,
others are for larger goals and the future. I believe the list is a tool that can be used to help attain and
work toward goals, yet I’ve become a slave to mine. Every morning I wake up
dreading my ‘to do’ list(s); every night I go to bed feeling like a failure
because I have not fully completed the tasks for the day.
As far as I am aware, no one has put these burdens on me.
They are my own making… they are either things I want to do, or (much more
common) things I believe I ‘should’ be doing. Things that would make me more
successful, prettier, healthier, more spiritual, happier, better off
financially, or would help someone else.
A few days ago, I thought I had mono and took the
opportunity to stay in bed for three days straight and feel no guilt about it
at all. Sure, since I’ve been home- I’ve relaxed quite a bit, but always in the
back of my mind there has been a hamster doing double-time running on a wheel in
my mind playing questions: ‘how long will this last?’ ‘what will you do next?’
‘are you who you think you are?’ ‘who are you if you aren’t doing these
things?’
Well, suck it hamster. Three days in bed guilt free was
fantastic. I have no revelation. I do not feel like a new person per se… but I
think it was a good break from all the ‘shoulds’ the ‘musts’ and the ‘whys’.
So I inadvertently started a personal experiment called
‘don’t make any lists and see what happens.’ Maybe nothing will happen and I
will resort again to lists. Perhaps getting 3 things out of 10 is better that 0
out of 10. Perhaps more will get done that I think. But what if there is no
score taken? What if things just happen when they need to and lesser priorities
fade away?
I have no current conclusions, and I’m sure that someday
again soon I will need a list for something or another. But for now I want to
embrace the break. I’m aware that this condition parallels spiritual issues for
me. If I’m trying to earn my way to myself or to the world around me, I am sure
in some way I am trying to earn my way to Jesus.
These things are related to freedom, truth, and grace. All
things I need in spades in order to run this race.
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is
ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me
heavenward in Christ Jesus.
