The devil is going to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to try and ruin how you want to serve God and love people.
What are you doing?
Everything?
Anything?
These are the things I write on my pad as the speaker speaks and my mind tries to hold onto these thoughts, that at the moment seem more important than whatever is being said from the stage.
If I’m honest, often I find myself doing the minimum amount I can do to really still be loving God and loving His people. Because I’ve been at this for a while. And the closer or nicer you get the harder and more terrible it gets.
It’s not like you sow in and always get the desired fruit….at least externally.
**I realize that we don’t live to change others. But to walk in obedience to the Lord and to grow – i’m merely processing here**
And then, I’m dense. In all the seemingly wrong ways. And sometimes I feel – too dense; so that I am a liability to the kingdom work required of my oxygen.
And maybe that’s why I balk at fundraising. I’m unsure if you should be supporting me.
Why are you so sure that you should?
(Don’t get me wrong, I want and need you to partner with me – but I want to share with you honestly. Is that dangerous? Is it too much? Let’s continue and you can tell me.)
You need to know, so here goes:
I can’t escape my pride.
I’m struggling so much because I’m constantly gauging and judging those around me.
I read two books this last week and I can’t remember from which book but there was this part about stuff that you need to work on to get closer to the Lord and others; and one sentence particularly jumped out as being relevant to me right now.
Something about “a competitive, comparing spirit”. I’m not typically a competitive person – I’d rather just have fun, but not when it comes to spiritual things.
When I encounter something off kilter “theologically” I have this gut reaction inside like a wolf smelling raw meat, or a shark smelling blood in the water. So you can imagine the terror someone on their period could feel.
Ok, that was a bad joke.
I just have this internal biblical standard that is almost indistinguishable from my heart beat. And that standard is magnetically placed on you.
I often assume that I’m doing it right on the book – as if my blundering stumbling efforts are not as human and natural as yours.
As if I have the right to be human and growing, but you do not. I say you because I want to confess to you why you feel awkward or judged by me sometimes.
It’s because I’m a gross sinner. I’m like that gum that pulls at your shoe right in the middle of that beautiful walk you were on –
And this. This is also part of my struggle. My victim mentality that’s just sickening enough to want to believe.
Because no brainers are generally literally no brainers for me. Meaning that they totally and inescapably escape and confound me. I’m constantly finding myself ahead where others lack and where they nod their head easily with understanding I am utterly and foolishly and ignorantly bewildered.
I’m not a victim. I’m free. But I’m still stumbling down a path with places of self pity for how stupid I can be. About how I often do things instinctively rather than intentionally. How even my good intentions are often from a place not thought out enough and end up bearing that unintended fruit. Fruit that’s generally offensive to others.
For example I feel like I make these highly intentional self sacrificing choices to be kind and do good – and yet…. I make them often hoping for the best without having actually spent enough time thinking through all the possible results or how it could affect others negatively. And so I’m often misunderstood.
For example, I find that I tend to sow into people without any idea about their ”soils” condition. I could share things, quite enthusiastically and forcefully, not considering that the hearer(s) may be aware of all i desire to inform them; so that in fact my helpfulness comes off as if I believe they need to learn this info from me because, you know, they don’t know about it.
…
I got feedback today about how I was coming across in certain situations.
I didn’t feel bad, I was actually super grateful to be made aware of the facts that were shared with me. However, I felt the automatic need to clarify my true intentions and justify my choices.
A while later, I realized how much I hadn’t considered the circumstances that led to the misunderstanding in the first place. And that actually I’d made some pretty stupid choices in my desire to be doing things the right way and honor the people that I was with. Decisions that actually made no sense what- so- ever.
Then the victim mentality rose its ugly selfish little head. And the struggle started.
The fight to deny those feelings access to my mental seat of consideration.
The fight not to coddle and snuggle with those feelings that would make me feel better for having made poor choices born out of my learned childhood norms.
Coddle them instead of learn and grow from them. But I WANT to grow! And so I must deny myself.
So hard.
There is SO much I have to grow in as a person!
My intentions don’t matter.
It matters that I fight to walk with Christ. To walk in the truth. To hear people and see people and consider people. And to take feedback and to grow from it. And to stave off lies with everything in my being.
Sometimes the amount I still have to grow overwhelms me! Because it seems like the more I grow, the more I find I have to grow.
Yes, I know this blog is all over the place. Did you understand what I was trying to write about? I feel scattered…
Maybe later when I have more clarity I’ll write Part II: My Intentions Don’t Matter. Haaahaaa.
I spent 3 nights and 4 days in the Atlanta airport and have some awesome things to share about the way God does stuff when you have no agenda but to see and be available.
And then there’s the key, I have to tell you about that. #keysforthejourney
I also have a post to write about the G’s not the E’s that came out of a conversation with my sister –
And there’s EVEN MORE! AND MORE that I want to share! You don’t even know!
But all of it will have to wait because I’m pretty tired from all the training the last three days. God’s working though. And there honestly couldn’t be anything more motivating to keep me from just coming back to California and throwing myself on any available bed in a dark room.
Cause it’s not easy.
I spent about a month not feeling and then last night God showed me stuff about what He was writing in the dirt and I was whimper-sobbing in an extremely ugly way throughout worship. (ANOTHER post!) There’s too many people and too little personal space. Food time seems disjointed – and my digestive system’s wondering why I can’t just go back to eating good ol’ Korean foods. I’m sharing a bed with a friendly stranger, I’ve almost handwashed all the clothes I’ve brought already, and two separate strangers have already taken stuff for me to mail home. And still – although i have so little – it’s still too much and I can’t get rid of anything else…
…I have to constantly wrestle the urge to throw my two backpacks in a trash can and just go with my bible in my pocket. And I don’t even know how many hugs I’ve given away the last three days – which alone has sapped away whatever energy the talks-while-in-the-same-uncomfortable-chair-for-hours-all-day hasn’t.
Goodnight virtual world.
Goodnight friends and family – lots of love from selfish, and prideful, and willing, God-help-me me.
