Where are my belongings?
Today is the day to announce: I AM HALF WAY THROUGH THE RACE!
Where has the time gone?!?!
And a shout out to my brother Nate!!!
Who has been such a HUGE and undeserved blessing to me the past 5 years!
HappyBirthday Nate!
I wish and pray absolutely nothing less than peace and clarity for you this year!
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So where is my stuff?
And what stuff am i talking about?
I have my belongings back home,
I have my backpack full of stuff here,
And i have my inside stuff.
There is my internal baggage that i carry around with me everywhere i go.
Mental luggage. The stuff that makes it through the 9 and 3 quarters platform walls.
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Thanks to my brother Nate, my things back home are safely waiting for my return.
And thanks to Gods kindness, my backpack has so far made it with me to each new place without fail.
Thanks to me, so has my internal baggage.
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With people comes conflict, and when youre stuck with them on a daily, hourly, secondly rate then the likelyhood percentage of possible conflict rises; like the sun undoubtably.
This month we are searching for new contacts for future ministry, and along with that came a looser schedule and more possible miscommunication with my teammates.
The resulting conflict has torn up so much internal conflict that honestly, i dont feel like myself, know how to return to my former self, nor if i want to.
Inside that, i feel the Lords invitation to go through the resulting junk and restore the broken places long hidden, and replace the old and unwanted exposed rottenness with new things only He is able to build in and for me.
Honestly losing things, physical belongings, are not as difficult as considering this invitation…
The invitation to rise above your gut instinct. The ability to let go and forgive what you yourself would want to be forgiven of, the invitation to be potentially hurt again. And again. And yet, again.
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Thinking of the potential really expands the pride we have about ourselves.
And for me, that is dasterdly. Because i tend to isolate myself.
Which actually helps nothing, and heals nothing.
It merely feels safer, but actually strips me of anything i can take any real pride or joy in.
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What is hardest for me?
Being misunderstood. And having people unwilling to try to understand. That is a killer, a kick on the gut, and a push off a cliff.
I don’t know how to digest it. I don’t know how to confront it.
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That’s part of the problem i am facing.
I feel like i am a person who when confronted slays head on, or runs away. I am not sure how to abide with the “enemy”. How to sit down and have a negotiation. I don’t have the language or tactical knowledge and simply feel like an idiot; thus i dont want to have a negotiation, i want a solution. Now.
I can only thank God for the people He’s put near me to talk me down from a defensive or attacking stance…and the real serious patience they have with me till i find the strength to try.
When “trying” for me honestly – after doing exactly what im being asked to do now, that has now failed me – just seems like a waste of time -and not worth the effort.
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The very fact that i want people to try again with me, but i am unwilling to try again, is the crux of my problem.
I find my hypocrisy in this. As if i am more important, or as if my hurt goes deeper, or my capacity is somehow …unique.
I realize that my attitude is dismissive of others when it comes to conflict.
And my realization – this realization, is somewhat too heavy for me to carry –
Because i dont want to.
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It seems my selfish self centeredness has no end…
That piles on top of everything and i just want to curl up somewhere and die.
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It makes it very hard to try and decide what to make a norm when you know that at any second everything can get shaken away and be removed.
Everything.
So, where are my things?
What things do i want to have? Hold onto? Claim?
Where will i put them?
All that i treasure? All that i define myself as?
All i can trust in?
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I know i didnt write this with the kind of acute accuracy i wish i could. Words fail me to articulate exactly what i am trying to convey.
However, suffice it to say that God is trying to give me space to learn who He is and who He wants to be for me.
He wants me to learn to love people with a love that depends on Him, and doesnt put unfallable expectations on them for my own well being.
He is the one that has promised unfailing faithfulness.
This is where “my stuff” has to be.
All my stuff, if i want to not merely survive.
His invitation is to the mountain top, the valley, and the deepest ocean.
An invitation to breathe where there is no air, to dance where there is no ground, and to sing where there is no voice.
To smile where there is no joy and to create something from nothing.
So.
hello darkness.
let there be light.
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ps. Here are some amazing videos that honestly helped me feel that i was not alone, and taught me more of what it means to not give up.
And the reason why not to give up…
My key for this year is ‘Courage’ and my greatest struggle this year has been ‘vulnerability’, so there you have it.
i lack courage.
ug. *sniff*
…if you have the time these are SERIOUSLY worth watching. You won’t regret it.
And this one. More excellent info is always good:
