Dear supporters, this is for you:
It’s one week till the end of my time in Chile… and I didn’t anticipate the way my heart wants to deny that.
However, i thought that i owe you a blog post so that you know in which way you’ve partnered and sowed into the Kingdom this month.
I can say honestly that i’ve shown up and helped in every way asked of me, and even in ways that haven’t been asked.
…Although, I can’t promise that my hearts always been in the right place.
There have been many times that i didn’t want to do something but i did it because i want to please the Lord and also i was here on your behalf. There have been times no one on my team knew my unwillingness and times when i made it apparent.
There were days that i woke up sick and days i had to reign back my restless energy.
There were days that i wanted to pack up and come home and there were days that i couldn’t wait for more.
As i write this i wonder: Is this what marriage is like?
Let me explain a bit more what i mean with all i’ve just shared.
Being a teacher is exhausting…when i learned we were going to be in a school teaching i automatically assumed i’d be teaching and i geared myself up for that.
But then we weren’t teaching, we were assisting. And sometimes that looked like standing in the classroom in silent support of the teachers lecture…and it didn’t feel like usefulness …and I wondered why i was here.
But then there were the moments when one of the teachers confessed feelings of helpless exhaustion with tears in their eyes, and i was able to be the one to tell them what an awesome teacher they were and what a difference they were making in the students lives; even, i told them, if they never saw how that worked itself out.
My heart started to shift into looking for ways to uplift them instead of focusing on my “wasted” time.
We also have this team thing called feedback time, which is when we’re supposed to give constructive feedback where sometimes i had to sit silently contemplating how much of what i felt and thought was my own weakness and not my teammates.
I’ve had feedback that basically would probably make you question why you supported me if you were the one feeling put down by me, or unconsidered. Darn blind spots…
I’ve been struggling with pride and being judgemental, keeping tabs on peoples actions as if somehow my advice or comments are needed or required, jumping to negative assumptions – keeping my teammates at arms length in order to preserve my sense of righteousness…oh i’m sure there’s more my teammates haven’t told me.
And sometimes i feel like i am the one you were investing into this year – that you’ve invested into my sanctification. And it makes me feel guilty…And then i have to struggle to try and maintain a right mindset on all of these things.
I’ve been learning to swallow my pride and listen and serve in my team when i often don’t feel like listening or serving is deserved.
Sometimes my perspective has created inner turmoil and conflict that my teammates actions have seemed to confirm. But in the long run it’s my own shortcommings that are in fact the issue. Thus i find a great deal of my energy is in dealing with my own deficiencies.
There have been early mornings where i just didn’t want to get up, but i did – because i had to! And late nights where i just wanted to go to bed, but didn’t – because i couldn’t. And there have been the rest days where i let everyone know i wanted them to all be out of the house cause i just couldn’t anymore..and there’ve been rest days where i spent all day cleaning and helping the pastors family get ready for visitors when all i really wanted to do was curl up and dissapear down one of Alice’s rabbit holes.
And dissapointments.
Our host mentioned theyd like some english lessons and i excitedly prepared..but every scheduled time has fallen through which has dissapointed me a lot since there’s very little i feel i’ve been able to tangibly accomplish. Oh, my little checklist heart…i think God’s trying to get me to focus on obedience over results.
And then sometimes theres’s jealously. When my schedule seems bland compared to my other teammates. When they seem to be doing what i came to do, while i do what i think is a waste of my time.
I constantly wrestle with trying to focus on Christ and what He’s calling me to do while tiredness and potential conflict edges on each decision i make.
And then growth. Struggling to let go of my normal solo routines to let in five strangers…its not that easy.
Am i writing my own sob story ebbing on victim mentality?
And then there was wednesday night.
Wednesday evening there is usually a church bible study that i attend with whichever of my teammates are here. Theres an average of 6 church members who attend and one week while Pastor Juan was away I and two of my other teammates, Jaivie and Grace, lead the bible study; which was a LOT of fun, fed my to-do heart, and seemed to bless the church members.
But this week we were outside having an once (which is pronounced “on-say” and is basically tea time) with the family and a dear old lady of faith named Victoria who’s become our Chilean Grandmother.
Juan came out of the church and asked us if two girls would be willing to visit a shut in elderly man who was one of the church members fathers. “He’s not doing well,” he explained. And warned that whoever went should be prepared for … smells and what might come with entering a run down and not so good part of town.
I waited a few seconds to give others an opportunity to volunteer and when everyone started looking around i let my mind be known: i wanted to go.
The day had been frustrating for me.
My team leader mentioned to me that my M.O. seemed peppered with frustration…she’s not wrong.
We have these things called journey markers. A challenge sent out to us while on the field from our team leaders. Things to stretch us and questions to keep them up to date with how we’re doing internally while they’re away from us.
This weeks journey marker was coming on the heels of the last which had unearthed my dislike for questions – especially as they came during a tiring and unprocessed week.
This weeks jm was all about living and being enpowered by the HolySpirit. They challenged us to go out for a few hours during the week and actively seek out situations where God could move thru us for healing.
It made me feel like i needed to go out and perform. Which wasn’t the heart behind it at all…and wasn’t how it felt going out with my team, but we came home without seeing the healing we ended up praying for. I felt frustrated.
So i was eager to get out and see what else God might have to show me.
I and one of our squad leaders got ready and squished into the car with the other church members. We rode along wondering how it would be, and what we’d have to face. I prayed that God would let me love His love on this dear old man we would be visiting. “He is a longtime faithful believer!” Pastor Juan had told us.
The houses we passed started to look smaller and more uniform. The sunset highlighted their bright and different colored shades. Then suddenly we pulled in front of a small yellow store selling “hallelluia” bread and parked.
At that moment i remembered my prayer time with my two teammates earlier in the park.
“So, what do you guys think we should do?” our team leader asked joining Grace and i on the bench.
“What if we pray and ask God to show us some images we can look for, like we did at camp?” I suggested. So we did.
“I see a yellow store,” Jaivie said after a while of silent prayer.
Grace beside her laughed. “That is so funny! Because all i was seeing was the color yellow!”
Now, here was the yellow store!!! I could not believe it as i stepped out of the car.
I hope they’re praying! I thought as we stepped across the street towards a small wood door in a brick red wall.
Inside was a well cleaned little room with a couch and many differently framed pictured all over both walls.
We walked through that into another room with all old fashioned kitchen appliances none of which were electric with a simple dirt floor – and then thru another little empty space to a low doorway into a small green painted room with a few boxes, a small table with a few chairs, a few pictures on the wall and a small shelf, a little bedside table with a small old fashioned tv, and a small iron frame bed on which sat a simple man, cleanly dressed with sundays best including suspenders and a fishermans cap.
Although frail looking he had a clear voice, in which many times he thanked us for coming in clear simple english.
We spent the time with him hearing about his life, his desire to be with the church and spend his remaining time with the Lord, praying for him and his pain, and singing simple songs together.
With a strength he should not have possessed he held my hand and with tears streaming down his wrinkled cheeks blessed us and thanked us for spending time with him.
I and my squad leader could not hold back our own tears as our hearts were touched, and i felt the love of God pour into my heart for this dear man confined to the small room.
So.
Wednesday night my heart came alive and my heart was full, and i worshipped God and felt that at last i was doing what i’d come to do.
But there have been other things.
Like that evening when all us girls sat closely around our host as she spilled her heart out to us and we all wept together and prayed over her and her family and all that God was doing and calling her and her husband to. And against all the physical spiritual attacks coming against their family and church members.
And how at times i would be standing in the kitchen doing dishes again, and i get the feeling that Gods whispering into my soul that this too is important. That ministry doesnt have to be seen as foreign and far away. But just simple love and service to Him, thru our love and service to eachother. Like a mothers service to a small child. Needed and repeated, and patient in the face of lifes constant demands.
I told my sister before i left that i knew i had to focus on my goals rather than my expectations because of my habit of being dissapointed by my expectations. About how i can’t stand the disapointment when they are not met.
And that’s been true. I need to be reminded again to keep my goal on loving and being open to my team rather than having expectations that can so easily be crushed.
This is to be my focus: the Gs not the Es. My goals of obedience and growth rather than my expectations of how and when Gods going to work and use me.
I will attach pictures when i get to my computer! (Its pretty slow so please be patient!)
PLEASE ask any questions you have and i will be happy to answer/post pictures of/ etc!
Thank you all so much for your support in prayer and finances!
I am currently still $6500 short of being fully funded! My next deadline is November (to be at $13,000) and i’m $500 away from that, thanks to all of you! I can’t describe how CRAZY it is how God’s providing through all of you!
I feel more overwhelmed than i know how to process when i think of all you’ve sacrificed to sow into what God is doing. I pray that i am able to do more than i can imagine both with my life this year and all you’ve sown into me being out here on the field, and that the glimpse i get to share with you both encourages and empowers you in your faith and walk with God!
