This is never going to be that time about which i hear “remember that time when?”.
What am i talking about?
.
I wasn’t there.
Why?
I was at dinner with my teammate Jax. We walked around for quite a bit, visited a chocolate shop, and a small shop full of some of the cutest things you’ve ever seen. Then we tried to find a place to eat dinner.
Nothing at all would have happened if we’d decided to just go to the brownie place and simply have a brownie for dinner. But i hate brownies.
So we kept walking checking out menus.
Finally, we started walking back home, and by chance found a pizza place we’d been talking about.
We sat down and talked, and honestly, had a really good open talk. It was cold but our table was constructed with a heater underneath and it was refreshing to be in the fresh outdoors air.
We talked, and cried, and laughed – until they asked us to pay because they were closing.
We paid and started walking home.
After that, unknown to us, hell started to break loose back at our hostel.
…
i wasn’t there, so i can’t even begin to try to explain what and for gods sake why what happened happened.
…
Jax and i, on our way home passed two girls in their early twenties. One was lying on the ground, and the other was bending over her.
We stopped and i asked them if they were ok, only to have them start laughing.
Apparently, one girl had been complaining about the lack of money vs. the decoration situation which had been up since september, – and which citizens pay for monthly – and in pointing out said decorations she’d tripped and fallen.
Somehow we all started talking about Serbias beautiful old architecture and traveling.
“Do you by chance want to come with us and talk? It is rare opportunity for us to talk english!” One girl said and the other quickly agreed enthusiastically.
They took us around the corner to a rock and roll bar that was underground.
They invited us to drink with them, but we declined, but after insisting they wanted to get us something, we ordered a 7-up and a water.
Then the time flew away with talk of Serbia, youth in serbia, life, their degrees which were phillosophy and journalism, and one of their jobs which was with the office of immigration, our volunteer work, and the empty things of their lives, travel, political hardships, depression, poetry, etc. Until a group of guys joined us and Jax was asked about our travels and point blank asked to share the gospel.
At one point i started feeling very sleepy and asked Jax if she wanted to go.
Jax was still half way wrapped up in the gospel conversation, but for whatever reason i chose that moment to look at my watch. I was shocked to see that it was almost 3am. My friend Maggi was relieved. Apparently she was planning to go home at 6am and thought my surprise reaction was because it was near that time.
We exchanged information, and left.
It was very cold, we shivered the two blocks home, anticipating our warm beds.
…
I pushed the door of the hostel open to Tori’s shocked face framed in the doorway of our – all lights on -room.
I remember saying something like, “What?” And then Jennys tearful faced popped into view and then she said something i cant remember. And she was calling on the phone.
When i stepped into the room i saw that Cristina and Wendy were not there. And i was informed by Tori that they were at the police station.
…
My world screached to a halt.
What?!?!
I dont even know how i can frame the feelings inside me from that moment.
Complete and utter surprise, anger, total unbelief – and everything inside me went flat like the line of a dead patient.
All i could think was, ‘Are you kidding me?’
How in gods name could something like this have happened? How could people who knew me have taken things so drastically far? How could a simple situation be blown so far out of proportion? How could my friends overreact so far out of what could possibly be called for?
.
As the situation unfolded, it dawned on me that they’d actually worked themselves into such a frenzy that there was no posible way for them to even consider our feelings about this.
As i write, three of my teammates are still angry beyond words at us and refuse to even look at us.
I feel annoyed.
I dont feel loved at all.
I definitely feel terrible that they felt so terrible, – and went to such lengths because they cared about us – but i dont think they can throw that on me either. I dont feel thats merrited.
And i dont feel like i should have to feel sorry for something when i didnt do anything wrong.
I know that i have to be sorry. But i dont feel sorry for what happened.
I have no answers.
i dont even know what to think.
.
in some sense, it disturbs me that if the tables had been reversed, i would have slept very well through the night.
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It also disturbs me that i do not care at all that anyone is or is not concerned about me. And that i would rather they didn’t. It creates issues.
.
.
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Emotions:
They’re there. Ripe. Weighing down the branches of the mind, ready to pop.
You see the dandylion and you cant resist.
POP, you pull it from the ground,
Will you blow those weed seeds free?
.
Sometimes on the race,
That’s all you have.
It can feel like your emotions are the only readily available reliable steady go-to.
You dont have to pray, you can feel it in your gut – your heartbeat thudding in your chest
It speaks…
And then theres this crazy little whisper,
That sounds a lot like scripture.
What will you blow?
For i promise you,
It will grow.
.
.
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May 7th, 2018
So, i wrote this blog post in the week preceeding the events recorded here, yet held back from posting due to the raw state of my teammates.
I’m not sure if even now is the right time to post this, but i am sure of one thing: no matter what else, ive learned so much about myself and each one of my teammates; both good and bad.
Each of them is so special to me in specific ways, for specific reasons, and i am so grateful to have had the last 3 months with them.
People have so much buried within them. So many untold stories, experiences, joys, and sorrows. To try and unravel all the reasons this specific event in Serbia hurt so much and went exactly the way it did would take a lifetime of going-backs to understand.
What do you do when unexpected conflict arises?
When love and anger fight for everything you percieve?
What do you do when life throws a curveball to your perfect day?
I dont have the answer.
I just know that God isnt fazed or afraid of those times. And God still uses them to work out His undefineable unnailable plans.
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And i love my team;
junk and all, i love my team.
