I know people like to talk about wolves being demonic and stuff. But … i saw a kewl youtube video about wolves that spoke a lot to me, about how God works in our lives.
Here’s the video if you’d like to see it:
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I don’t talk about this much because i have some issues and pains with it. Although,… i am also grateful for it…
My last name is hyphenated. And one of my last names comes from my Dad. And it means son of [the] wolf.
I tell you all that to lead up to the moment i stood up, climbed on stage, and mustered all the courage i could.
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“I made you that way,” her hands grasped my shoulders. The sweat glistened on her furrowed brow, and her tears slid to her chin. “You are extreme because i made you this way! I made you this way from the womb!
Be ready! Be ready! I have made you to conquer for my kingdom! Be ready! You will jump! Where others walk in my kingdom you will jump! You will go to extreme places others will not go! You will jump into those places! You will jump! I will show you my secrets! Be ready! Be ready to take the glasses i will give you to see my secrets! Be ready!” She prayed for a while. She prayed in tongues and then she would stop and interpret in english. By the end we were both weeping.
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I studied art when i went to college. And for some reason i got attracted to bridges and just couldn’t stop my facination with painting bridges at night. So i spent a semester painting bridges at night.
I’d sneak out of my apartment with my paints and canvas and walk until i came to a bridge or an overpass and then wait for the traffic so i could run out and paint on the median.
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Someone told me during that prayer night, “God is building bridges with you between the countries you visit.”
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I knew if i was going to speak then it would have to be done right. I would have to say it with conviction or not at all.
Thirty minutes before, i’d witnessed someone confess their identity in Christ. And then without any barriers share with us – by showing us – how he, everymorning, would speak that identity over himself in worship, to prepare for the day. It was so beautiful. It was David, dancing before the Lord with abandon!
And as soon as he began, God flooded my heart with His feelings. He showed me how He felt about that kind of devotion and worship. He showed me how He longed to be close to His people, and He showed me a glimps of His love and desire for us, and how He longed for us to walk in the freedom of who He made us to be.
And He started speaking to me. Identity. Impossible promises. His box cover for the puzzle of my life.
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There was a pause and no one else was going. So i stood up, grabbed the mike and climbed above everyone seated on the floor.
I could feel their eyes like a million little spotlights hitting my body.
Already my leg was shaking. And my heartbeat racing.
I’d spent the whole month fighting the urge to isolate, fighting it yet not really knowing how not to do it.
Being vulnerable …yet in the moments where i knew i really needed to, i knew i was just vulnerable enough so that i could say i was being vulnerable.
Yet inside i felt like i was seeing how much i could be vulnerable without having to cross the line of vulnerability very far.
Like i was experiencing the presence of fear without really being able to say why.
And now here it was.
Having to act like i am what i am …not?
The ability to speak out boldly and with conviction and authority that here, with these amazing people, i do not have, and i am not.
I am not a leader here.
Because i don’t know how to be a leader. I don’t know how to separate my pride, talent, knowledge, and faith. So i fear stepping out without being given permission. I am a rule keeper and a list finisher.
I like to share even when im still learning what it means and how how to apply…
i am not a leader.
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i take a breath.
And then i opened my mouth.
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Sometime ago, …like 10 years ago, i was driving my car down the road. I can’t exactly remember…but i think it was after an hour of screaming angrily at God, with tears streaming down my face, driving too fast down some country roads; and now i was all emotionally spent and on the way to the store to pick up some things for my Mom.
I’m pretty sure it was that moment.
But i can’t be certain.
All i know is, while i was driving down Franklin road in my old suburban about 10 years ago, God gave me a promise that i still don’t understand.
He very clearly said, “Carolyn, I Am going to expand your territory.”
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Before i can stop myself, i open my mouth:
“I am God’s triumphant light! I’m the one who is invited to be God’s friend! I have been given a stone with a name only i know! God waits to meet with me!
i lead the army as i surrender! i am not afraid to obey the Lord! i make the ambush come against the enemy!” the words were flying out of me across the silent room. “I sing them into formation! You think youre a wolf?!
I, the wolf, walk with the Lion! I was created to defeat you! I know the secrets of God! Theyre bound up in my heart! My voice changes atmospheres! I speak to God in a language He created only for He and i!
I am a creator: a creator of pictures and of stories! Darkness has no place with me! God is with me no matter what! I was made to repair the broken walls! To bind up the broken hearted! To open the eyes of the blind!
I can multiply! Give me the fish and the loaves! I can feed the 5000! I will stand before a multitude! I will not fear though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, because God is with me as He was with Moses! I will part the red sea to unknown territory! I will lead the people through though my arms grow tired those beside me will hold up my arms – for i am not alone!
I will see the promises while i live! I will taste and see His goodness! God speaks with me face to face like a friend! I am His beloved! He is my provider!
When i lift the veil my face explodes like the sun! I am extreme because He made me extreme from the womb! He arms me for battle! I can scale a wall! I will jump into unreachable places!
I will drink coffee with the Lord in the house He’s built for me! The good things He has for me are unshakable! I have the ability to feel His heart and dreams for others!
At the end He Himself will prepare me for the feast! He will hide me in Himself! I walk with the Lion of Judah! I roar with the Lion of Judah!” my voice tore through the air (i roared).
“I will walk satisfied to the edge of the sea! Take courage my heart! Stay steadfast my soul! He is in the waiting! He waits for me alone! In the desert the crocus will burst forth!
He has joy for me! My hope is unshakable! I am unsnuffable! He is going to speak His own name to me! God declares: He will build a house for me!”
I laid the mike down on the platform and climbed down, my throat pulsing.
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This is what God told me. This is what flew out of my pen onto the paper the moment i was told to sit and ask God to show me some of what He sees for my life.
It’s the impossible, illogical dreams of God that i cannot fully grasp, and yet it makes my heart pound and hope surge into my mouth.
And for me, now, they are words potent enough to set my day straight. To narrow my focus away from the fears. To see myself, standing among the eucalyptus trees in Argentina. And know that i am on the path He’s placed me.
i, the wolf, in the forest.
have courage my heart, to chase lions.
