Below is my squad mate’s testimony:
I couldn’t go. Thinking about it tipped me over into the unthinkable. I already had lies coming at me like crazy. I didn’t need to be alone with them.
It was time to give them my final decision, but I had trouble getting past my doubt. And then I got a phone call from them. “I’m sorry to disappoint you,” I said, “and I hope that this is the right thing – I know that I already accepted, but…I have to decline.”
Uncertainty flooded me as the phone clicked into the cradle. Four years had gone into this. I was sick. I’d applied to the Peace Corp because I thought it would have made a great stepping stone before going to grad school. I didn’t have an idea where I wanted to go after graduating and they’d give me money towards my loans and continued education; which was my goal.
So I was staying home. I’d get more stability and my family needed me.
I thought.
And that became another kind of isolation.
I got a full time and part time job. I was active in the church and helping my family. I was doing my best at work yet I felt misunderstood and resented.
I suddenly realized I was pressured on all sides: life was squeezing me dry with burden. I was not feeling fulfilled, but I didn’t know how to get free; I was stifled and losing hope.
It was one of those days. I climbed off the bus and headed across towards the train. My phone alerted me of a message – I pulled it out, “Free party and I want you guys to come! Up to a 100 people – bring your friends!” It would be something to break the monotony.
I walked in and knew that I wouldn’t know anyone here. There was a man at the door card checking. It was dark with disco lights and full of people. People were loud and obnoxious. I fought through the crowd to greet the one friend that I knew. This wasn’t my normal routine. I usually prefer to stay in and engage in my usual activities. My friend greeted me warmly, and introduced me to her friends. I thought it was a nice change of pace. I started scrolling through my phone to look up song requests for the piano player.
At that time, my friend interrupted me to introduce me to one of her friends who was preparing to go on the World Race. She sat down and began avidly sharing about her upcoming trip. I listened half heartedly, not really knowing what I’d do with the information. But there was a spark. A few days later I sat down and went through her blog. As I read, I got more and more interested, and we ended up meeting up after she finished training camp so I could speak with her in person.
After that conversation, I’d made up my mind: this was something that I wanted to do – but I still had a few checks: pastor, mom, godparents. The response was overall positive but it still took me about a year to apply. I was so unsure about God’s plans for me; no matter how fed up I was with my options, I needed confirmation. Prayer became my guide.
Then, Sunday’s sermon was titled “Make a Move”. It stayed with me, when you move have faith because God is ready to move with you, so make your move. This was the confirmation I needed. So I completed my application Fall 2016.
And then I was hit with lack in fundraising. “Hey Shea, that’s a decision you have to make yourself,” after applying and preparing, here I was again – being deferred. I was the one that had the choice to keep going – but without the finances then how could I go? Not going left me without a sure plan of when or how this would ever happen for me.
Is this going to happen? And if it doesn’t, then what next? Why are you asking me to do things if you close the doors? This left me confused, but I held onto the knowledge that God would guide me and as I did, I grew in hope and peace.
Through my deferment, God lead me to get connected and accountable – where I got renewed hope in community, love, and relationship within the church. He also renewed my sense of direction in this season, and my previous frustration at work became purpose-driven.
As I became more encouraged, I grew in boldness through fundraising. I was more persistent in approaching others and sharing my story to invite others to support my journey. Because of the financial support I received so far, I am here telling my story at training camp.
