Honestly, I can’t wait for the moment I step into the first plane.
Why? Because then i can just step into what i’ve been longing to do. At that moment I no longer have to ponder, “Is this going to happen?”, or “God? how is this going to happen?”. In that moment I will have all I need to be out there doing what I’ve been wanting to do.
Annnnnd… I realize something as I confess my desire for secure financial relief.
That this is the most important moment of my race.
What?!
Yes. Right now, on American soil, before my trainings even began, this is the most important moment of my race.
Why?
Because this is where my trust in God has to find its footing when there is no bridge to be seen from where I am to where I’m walking.
It’s so hard that honestly I just want to give up. Yea. I want to give up.
I feel foolish and unable to accomplish the things that need to happen so that I can actually go and do ministry this year.
I have fears and doubts and anxieties that God’s not going to provide.
I have fears and doubts and anxieties that I don’t know how to ask for financial support without manipulation or coercion or something.
I absolutely want to approach people with only an open and honest invitation to join me.
And I’m afraid that I don’t know how to do that.
And then I think through it all and I know the things to tell myself – and yet my heart is at times, so so troubled within me. Because I’m not sure that I know how to tell people what’s on my heart in a way that balances both my need and my invitation.
Don’t get me wrong about the state of my heart.
So many people have been SO generous to me and I am so thankful. Even now I’m staying at my sisters cause her and her husband are trying to help me save money before my trip. Which is such a blessing of peace for me!
……………
I’m back in the states – I can’t remember if my last blog post announced that – and I’ve gone from working 8am-930pm -ridiculous work hours with law breaking nonexistant breaks, to flying and driving around nonstop early to late hours for two weeks to be at my friends wedding and see my friend – to coming home and immediately jumping into a four day no technology no caffeine and no crossing arms workshop about Gods heart for me. 9am-9pm…sitting taking notes and weeping for hours. So good but so tiring. And now a total standstill for two days. And I’m not sure if I’m being lazy or just hitting a self care threshold.
And still I can’t just be still.
Im sore all over from weeding because I’m afraid to state my need: “Hey sis, would you mind if I did absolutely nothing for two or three days?” And not only to her. But to myself.
Can I do that?
I feel like I can’t. Not just cause I don’t want to be a moocher, but because honestly I have so much that I need to get done.
Like sending out my stateside letters and making some artwork to sell to raise money for my trip.
And the stillness – when I do just sit down and stop moving – is inundated with accusations about laziness and failure and foolishness. I feel the need to have to constantly be proving that I am a person whose productive and worth being joined.
And I’m trying to seek Gods face and find out: God? How do I balance faithfulness with self care and an appeal to be joined?
Because honesly Lord, I want this time to count. I want to get on the plane grinning and bursting with joy because of your faithfulness – not panting with pure relief and unbelief that you actually did what I felt you promised you would.
So Lord, here I am, asking that you show me the way I should go. In order that this time would count. I want it to count.
