Why?
Why?
I am flooded with questions that start me on a trail of doubts…
.
You said that you would humble the proud
and raise up the humble
but i,
i am humble!
Is that statement too proud?
.
the proud are after me
crushin’ me –
or am i crushing myself?
.
Internally im boasting about all i am
all ive done
all i will do
im secretly happy in my greed and when you take away my happiness i slander you.
.
i dont seek you out in my happiness
i dont consider or acknowledge you
.
there is no room in the inn for you
.
i turn you away
searching for satisfaction
and you become food for the hungry
the searching
who call on you.
you satisfy them with pleasures at your right hand.
.
i flourish
like the grass
and wither as the seasons change
.
in my moment of prosperity
nothing is impossible
nothing is impossible
.
happiness is my possession
– and so you shake me
.
the earth opens its mouth
and life strips me suddenly bare
.
my mouth is full of curses
and lies
and threats
.
if only you return what you have taken.
i will worship you.
.
your eyes turn to me with grace, and compassion
.
do not tempt the Lord your God, you say
.
have i become those i distain?
How then can i judge what i myself am?
.
The devil stands here
in my shoes
i open my mouth to speak
and conviction closes my throat
…
Desperation turns us all ugly.
we argue, fight, and quarrel
desiring and undesirable
we kill and covet
our mind throwing thoughts like javelines through the walls of friendship…
We do not ask
so we do not have
and when we ask
we ask with lust
– self centered eagerness.
ugly self rears its head.
like an uncharmable snake
ready to strike the charmer.
.
we will crush anyone in our path for self satisfaction.
i am witness to my own depravity.
we talk ourselves through it
claiming God is blind
or indifferent
or hasn’t remembered
our sins forgotten
as far as the east is from the west
.
we click just one more time
ravishing with our unmonitored thoughts
.
Dont let me live like this.
i am helpless under my own influence.
You do see
my grief
my trouble
you know all my reasons
you’re with me through all my seasons
you consider it all.
.
i am the victim and i am the perpetrator.
break the arms reaching up out of the grave for me
break my habits and strip off my habiliments
call me out
judge me
tell me how it is so my soul can break with sorrow
…
the king let us strip him of everything
.
he dances like crazy with joy for us
he sings over us
– redemption
– wholeness
– forgiveness
.
he died to himself
for us
.
you do know
you do listen
.
you hear the desires of my afflicted heart
you still consider me worthwhile
you pull me up from the pit i have dug for myself
you encourage me
you mend my broken heart
you listen to my sobs
i, the oppressor, am the oppressed
– i do not deserve any of this –
and you save me.
you save me from myself
in order that the dust
may see itself as dust
and cease from its thoughts of false grandure.
