Life after the United States route has been so much harder than the transition back from my international race.
I could spend a lot of time sharing and creating bullet points of all the minuscule reasons – but the reality is that after God showed me what family is to Him, then the stark reality of separation for me from all the ones I consider family became to heavy to bear.
It sounds pathetic – I know.
I have never been a homesick person until I left Korea. And I still yearn for the sights and sounds and tastes of that beautiful place I call home.
Yet there is a new yearning for me now.
One that was always there, small and unnourished that finally grew fat as we moved across the states.
And it is this: that people have become home for me.
And they are shattered all over the globe, and I will never be able to scoop them together in one place and dwell among them until that time when the Lord does so for me.
And that ache is catastrophic to my sense of okayness.
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So how am I doing?
I am pressing into the now. Trying desperately to embrace everything I have now.
To be with my dearest friend again – so unexpectedly after all the years since we stopped being University roommates.
To be near some of my squad mates, both from the international and domestic routes.
To be in Houston Texas – what a treat!
It is all so good – and I am trying to focus on the abundance and let the ache just be the ache it is, and nothing more.
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The other day I was walking and as I walked by a store, there was a man sitting on the ground with his back up against the wall.
“Hi!” I said, wanting him to know he was seen.
“Hey Sister!” he drawled. “Hey! Could you help a brother out and get me something to eat from one of these places here? There’s a sandwich place or a pizza place.”
“Sure.” How could I not? Food is one thing I try never to refuse anyone. “Comeon –
“Oh! Sister! thank you so much!”
We ended up going to the sandwich place. It was more expensive than I thought, but it is God’s money anyway. So I let him get whatever he wanted.
“Do you want to sit and talk for a little bit?” I asked him.
And surprised he agreed that he wanted to.
We ended up talking about where we were from, and what we were doing in Houston.
“I’m helping my best friend with her first baby!” I told him. And because my friend Jen named her son with the intent of sharing Jesus character, love, and the gospel through it, I shared his name Isaiah Zaccheus and the story of how Jesus meeting this short thief changed his life.
“Wow, dude – that’s cool,” the man giggled.
“Do you know the meaning of your name?” I asked him.
“No! Actually I don’t,” he seemed surprised and suddenly curious. So I looked it up.
“Your name means man of the burnt land – what’s your middle name?”
“Wow!” he said bitterness filling his face as he laughed weakly. “My parents sure pegged me! – That is my middle name.”
“Well what’s your first name?” I asked as the Lord nudged me that this was important for this man to know.
“Anthony,” he said. His head had fallen and I could see the thoughts tumbling through him about how he was destined for rejection, darkness, and emptiness. Cursed.
“Anthony means priceless.” I told him looking up from my phone. His eyes lit up with disbelief.
“Wha- Woah!” he paused and I saw more thoughts coming. “Woah -” he laughed.
“You know, we call the burnt land the desert. Like that’s the burning land…So your name basically means priceless one in the desert.”
“Woah!” his eyes got a far away look in them as something like hope filled his entire face.
Then his food was ready – he got up and got it and returned to me, “We better go, if that’s okay with you – cause –” he motioned with his hand towards the store employees with resignation. “They’re starting at me and giving me looks.”
aka – they wanted him to leave. I got up and agreed that I was fine to leave.
Outside I asked him if I could pray for him before we parted ways.
“Yea Sister!”
I prayed for him and the things he asked me to pray for. When I was finished, he asked me if he could give me a hug.
“Hey, thank you so much – not just for this-” he lifted the sandwich and drink. “but for taking the time to talk with me. But most of all Im grateful for you telling me the meaning of my name!”
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I know that God is moving and using me, even though it’s hard for me right now.
Physically I am well, emotionally I am struggling.
This is my now.
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Thanks for your prayers!
