What paralyzes you?
I had a moment of being a seven year old at the gas station. I bit into my arm as the stress of the moment overwhelmed me, and I thought, “What is wrong with me?! This is nothing!” But still the feeling was bubbling up. I could not. I could not.
What was going on?!?
My phone was at 5% and no one was answering. Gas? Diesel?
I’d already checked the side of the door and inside the gassing door. No hints. And the tank was hitting the empty nick line.
I still had stuff to pickup and everything was now thrown to a complete halt.
In tears I pulled away from the pump and pulled into the shopping centers parking lot. It was so simple. It was too simple. But I had no idea what I should do.
If I guessed and made the wrong choice I’d destroy the truck my friend had lent me. But no one who would know what fuel it took was answering my calls or texts and there was no charger/lighter port in the truck – and there wasn’t anywhere I could charge the phone nearbye.
And this feeling was here that I hadn’t experienced since I was around 7 years old. Now I knew it was the feeling of being overwhelmed, but the knowledge wasn’t keeping the tears from spilling down my face or the ball of anxiety from pushing noises out my mouth.
And the Lords fingers in my own, and His calm eyes resting on my face, His voice, “Carolyn, what are you afraid of? You can cry with fear, you’re safe to cry here with me. But what are you so afraid of?”
I can’t do this.
I don’t know why. There’s nothing I can identify to fear. But…I’m overwhelmed.
“Yes.” His eyes are smiling with perfect understanding. He isn’t unaware. His heartbeat matches my own. “Yes, I know. I’ve called you to something there’s no way you can do –
without me. Without community. Join me in the impossible.”
Not even 24 hours later a dear friend looked me in the eyes and without knowing what I’d gone thru that week spoke the same thing. “Carolyn,” she said. “He is strong in your WEAKNESS.
He’s asking you to do something beyond what you can do yourself and we’re stepping in to help you achieve that for Gods glory!”
It’s been 120 hours past that moment and Gods been moving in incredible ways to financially provide for me as He promised. Ways I couldn’t have imagined on my best day.
I’m ready to be out there encountering God in the faces of people I’ve never met. I’m ready to abandon and serve because that’s what I know. I’m good at that. But I’m not good at slowing down and letting others in. “I want you to know me as your provider. As your strength. I want you to accept love from others. This is your year of intimacy.”
Its been so hard.
SO hard to go everyday without a clear idea of how this would happen. Of being vulnerable with others and asking others to help me. To support what I’ll be doing this year. To receive. To wait for Gods provision. To hold onto this undifinitive non-physical thing called the promise of God. That I felt in my heart. And go forward to do this thing called the World Race.
Now here I am.
ive been SO crazily blessed by SO MANY people. Some who I’ve met only in the last three months.
It’s hard to let go of this place, and be ready to leave these people who have loved on me in the last two and a half months since I’ve been back from Korea and started my fundraising journey.
its hard to be ready to leave this. It’s not hard to want to be there already. It’s just hard to be ready to leave.
im not scared of anything out there. But it’s super stressful packing this backpack for a year. Packing and unpacking and repacking…so so stressful. (…darn weight limit!)
But thinking of what’s to come? Wow. Only anticipation.
So, yea. I can’t do this. And I realize there’s going to be moments where I’m overwhelmed. But Gods got me. He’s gonna let me cry. And then He’s going to give me the next step. And I’m so loved and supported by all these partners this year. Your prayers are going to split waters so I can walk thru on dry ground. I can’t do this. But God can.
Partners. Welcome to my impossible journey! Our impossible journey.
We can do this! Because with God all things are possible. And if God is for us, who can be against us?
We are doing this!
Are you ready?
