I didnt know that i knew.
I was in the airport and all my squad was scattering to their prospective locations. Buses, taxis, friends who came to take them, their connecting flights…everyone was dissapearing in little clumps.
I was alone.
Back to me.
Back to my norm.
I knew that God had said wait, but all i really wanted to do was run.
I wanted to do something easy, like just buy a ticket to california and forget waiting.
Or ask my sister or friend for money and hang out with Jax. See Maine, see NewYork, and go see my friend Tori in Pennslyvania.
I knew what i wanted. And i didnt want to be sitting in the airport as slowly helpless aloneness fell over me again.
Dont get me wrong. I have family members who i love so much and who love me back.
But you know how you see things that you dont have, and you want that?
That was how it was.
My parents just arent the way my teammates talk about their parents. And i could never ask my parents to do what my teammates were asking their parents to do. Not even that they could or would want to do those things….Its like we come from a whole different economic and relational level.
I know ive already talked about it. But i dont want people to misunderstand. Its so hard not to be overwhelmed with the feeling of being a burden.
My whole problem – its me.
To think of even asking other people who are not my parents to serve me with the little they have …unthinkable. Unbearable.
And to hear people raving and longing and anticipating spoiling from the lavishness they have in their relationship with their parents is something that creates an unguilty, unburdened narrative of a norm that exists that i have never and will never know.
Maybe you understand because you too cant see “rationally” past the narrative in your head.
…
So. I dont have that. My Squad from this past year all scatter as we leave the secure part of the airport.
And i sit and wait.
Wait for God to give me clarity on His plans for me.
I waited several hours.
I tried so hard to focus and hear the Lord. I felt – felt – that God wanted me to get on a greyhound bus to pensacola florida. But i wanted confirmation…I prayed some more.
Finally i wrote all the options on papers, balled them up between my fingers, threw them into a little zip purse and shook them.
I drew out “GH to FL” and i heard God say, “why are you resisting? You know i want you to go to the landing zone in FL.”
Until that moment, i didnt realize that i was.
Hessitation was merely desire for clarity, for confirmation. But i knew that it was a kind reproach. Because when i got there all i could feel was fear and anxiety.
Not that it was overwhelming me, but it sat cold in my stomach, and i had to brace myself to stubborn determination to wait, like He’d told me to.
Rewind.
Before i made that paper draw decision it looked like this:
So i sent some messages, wrote some emails, rechecked Greyhound prices, charged my phone while i did that.
Then prayed, then took some photos and posted some instagrams, then prayed…then i felt the Lord tell me, “Go get some coffee,” so i did.
And then i headed back to my seat near the plugs, but He said, “Dont go that way,” so i looked around.
And He said, “Go sit in that sunbeam, come have some no agenda time with me.” So i did.
And then i drank my coffee and prayed, “I know Im having no agenda time with you, but I really need to know what I’m going to do! the sun is setting now! So what do you want me to do?”
I sat in the dying sunbeam and drank my coffee and finally when i was almost done I realized the obvious.
I needed to write down all my options (including “none of these”) and put the decision totally in God’s hand.
So i did and I prayed and ask him “Lord put what you want into my hand to show me really what you want me to be doing.”
So here i was, holding “GH to FL,” and it felt like He was laughing a little at me. And i knew that he wanted me to go to Florida and that id already known that, but i didnt know that i had until that moment.
Honestly at that point I had no idea what i had to do to get there or even where to start, so i went to the information counter and found that there was a bus for free from the airport to the greyhound station in the city.
I went and sat for a few minutes to gather my courage, then went to the bathroom, and swinging on my backpack headed outside found the bus with the headline: southside station, and I got on it.
The bus pulled away from the airport and I was on my first leg of this journey of “not knowing” where this was going to take me or how long this trip was really going to take, but it was ok…because I felt like the Lord had also told me when i was sitting with him asking that he specifically told me not to worry about money.
Shortly after that, about 5 minutes later, my girlfriend messaged me that she was sending me some money!
To me, that was confirmation from the Lord that what I felt that he was telling me was actually what he was telling me!
So i was nervous and excited but not afraid.
I hopped on the greyhound at 10pm and was scheduled to arrive in florida a day later.
Thats not what happened.
Greyhound is subject to the same traffic laws as the rest of the world, which means – if theres cars they have to slow down.
Buses arrived late, left late, and were stalled in traffic. Because of this i ended up spending the next three days on buses. I forgot that normally people dont go 4 days without laying down to sleep. Id become used to being flexible and crazy world race habits from travel days held me over so that i arrived in florida at 3am and i was ok.
.
My first leg of greyhound norm took me right to times square! That was a miracle in and of itself!
We arrived at 2am and i had until 7am free!
God answered a mini dream in my heart by taking me there and allowing me to walk around by myself for a few hours as id hoped i could the first time in NewYork.
I walked around, took pictures, and did a little ATLing (Ask The Lord) and stopped to converse with people i found along the way.
My whole greyhound experience was one ball of conversations and interactions of mutual encouragement in the Lord.
Its hard to convey how much crazyness and goodness were bound into those hours – hours that literally stretched into days.
However, i arrived in Florida in the wee hours of the morning and ran across to the McDonalds and waited for a decent hour to contact a couple who’d messaged me, inviting me to stay with them for a while before our teams final debrief.
They are part of a program called “Landing Zones”, which is a new program for racers returning that need a little extra time, space, or clarity for the next steps God would have them take.
A couple opens their home, hearts, and advice to help mentor the returning racer for a time.
That is currently where i am. I am in a peaceful little neighborhood with two active kind people who have welcomed me into their home like a daughter.
In some very big ways they are bringing healing to some painful places in my heart in respect to past parental pains. I didnt expect God to work on that right now, but i am grateful.
I could not have imagined how God could bless me so much in such an unconventional way. I could not be more loved or more accepted by two strangers. I am so glad i accepted the invitation to Gods stupid plan…i see now that His plan is worth recieving every time.
The hardest thing is letting myself rest, and want. I dont want to be selfish when they ask me if i want or need anything. I dont even know whats ok to say…what would be too much? – so its easier to say nothing.
Its hard to want because i will not know how to stop wanting once i start. I feel an undercurrent that i am afraid of and God knows i have no idea what to do with.
Please pray for me to be able to find the path God desires me to walk on.
Until the next part of Gods “stupid” plan…
