A couple months ago, i shared 3 things that the Lord has been teaching me this year
Theres always more to learn; everyday, every moment, from anyone i interact with.
Reasons and changes to exercise fruits of the spirit – choices to live redeemed life or to speak death over situations.
Something that ive been struggling with is my exposed vulnerability and my inner voice of insecurity with teammates. Hurts that ive recieved have become major wounds that have debilitated me from living in freedoms that the Lords given me.
Ive found myself isolating – trying to recover and discover ways to rehabilitate/define and articulate what im feeling and how to climb myself out of those gorges.
And then one day, somehow, i got the courage to ask certain teammates to talk.
And we talked through stuff.
And the pain didnt go away, but i realized that in some ways i was being a stubborn child.
.
And today traveling on our way to our last places before this route is over (in 5 days), i heard the Lord say to me, “Carolyn, sometimes you need to get out of my way.”
.
God is not a player. He doesnt pity people
He grieves the effects of sin that have and continue to ravage His original design. He mournes with us. But he also knows the facts.
He knows how broken we are and how in our flesh we function from that twistedness.
He doesnt empathise with our paltry spoiledness. He doesnt passify our lusts.
He doesnt relate with our selfish pettiness.
He is entirely Holy.
Entirely other.
Completely due our entire worship. And He innapologetically accepts it and expects it.
He also kneels beside our broken done-it-to-ourselves fallen forms and lends us strength, and whispers love over us. Rejoicing over us and singing over us His love.
Ive been spending time reading books that talk about these parts of God. And knowing scripture, ive always felt but little seen supported by church media at large.
We want God to be an all accepting carebear loveydovey God who exists for our gratification and happiness.
That’s not who He is.
…….
GET OUT OF MY WAY
5 weeks ago now.
That hurts my heart to say.
Was one of my favorite times this year.
We stayed with an Alumni who opened up her home in responce to our fb appeal for anyone with housing in the area. And she was a freaken miracle and such a person of annointing and hospitality.
My team drove downtown Nashville every night and spent time prayer walking and ATLing on a small strip there called BROADWAY.
Its become a tourist attraction and one of the #1 destinations for Bachelorette parties.
It is a fraction of space with a Las Vegas like atmosphere and so is crowded with people eager to be the life of the party and there is no space not to find something.
If you want drugs, bodies, beer, or space just to throw off restraint – that is what you will easily find.
.
“hey, hey! I came out here for a few drinks, not to talk religion.” a man told me, who had called me and my teammate over from the open walled bar balcony.
.
A few days i chose to take my guitar out there and worship.
The bars lining the short strip of street each blared music loudly – most places sporting different groups desperate to make a crowd claim their fame – so the sidewalk was a jangle of discorded sounds – much like the bible claims words without LOVE would be.
I found spots where there was a small space of hearability – sat on the sidewalk, and found myself busking for the first time in my life.
I know that worship is powerful, and words change the atmosphere. I know singing is a way to pray – and i didnt care if i was heard by anyone other than the spiritual realm.
People threw money in my case, a few people stopped and talked and i got to stop and pray for them, one man asked me to play my favorite song id written (ive been writing songs), others hurried past as i yelled out “THEN SINGS MY SOUL! MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE – HOW GREAT THOU ART! HOW GREAT THOU ART–” – I didnt write that one, but i played it and a few others id learned to play. All my mistakes were hidden in the garble of songs wrestling with eachother in the cold night air.
.
Something that ive learned this year is that God is working.
I dont mean that i didnt know that.
But theres something different in knowing it and seeing it.
You can only know certain things – like really know, if you experience them.
And this thing, about God working can only be fully understood experienced.
Leaning on that bar porch railing, talking to this guy who doesnt want to talk religion, i was starkly aware of Gods tug on him.
He was wrestling and i pray that that man holds on and demands to be blessed before that fight is over.
I pray he walks away limping.
…
I truly believe there are those who go limp and despise the Lords willingness to get on their level.
I realize with horror that i am blessed and highly favored that my Creator fights with me.
There are perhaps those who He never lowers Himself to fight with.
And He will have His will accomplished.
So whether i join Him or not He will do it.
And He isnt sorry to tell me to get out of His way. Because He wants to do things i cant. He IS life. I am just a life bearer.
Our whatever doesnt sway Him.
He gives us no room for excuse.
And He doesnt give allowance for our lack of belief in Him.
He isnt afraid.
He isnt confused.
He isnt unsettled.
But He does weep.
And He does invite.
Oh beautiful invitation. To live alongside Him, and to work alongside Him.
This year was just that.
A beautiful cacophony of moments that the Lord orchestrated into His song of love for humanity.
Ive prayed with people who trembling surrendered to His love. Ive prayed with people who have run from the prayer – and people who ran from even being prayed for.
I have run from His voice.
Ive sulked, ive cried, ive sweated in physical and spiritual labor this year.
Ive been selfless and ive been selfish.
And ive been His vessel, and ive also been asked to get out of the way.
Its been amazingly difficult and redeeming.
Yet obedience is supreme.
Sitting in the street –
One girl, sitting in the gutter with her homeless boyfriend (someone you connect with because youre surviving) and her and his dogs, her eyes dull from some drug, looked me in the eyes – and at one point she clearly looked at me. And she hugged me.
And she whispered her name to me.
At that moment i knew that God had looked at her and she’d seen Him.
I cant write words that will convince you, but i saw it.
And it was kewl to be there and see it.
It was His grace that led me to obedience. To stop. To see her. To sit down regardless of the grounds condition. To listen. To accept. To hug back.
This year did not all look the way i wanted or expected.
But i am grateful and confident of what He did this year.
And i pray that He equips me to continue to partner with Him, and that i have the obedience to do so, or get out of the way.
