Dear Dad,
Ive wanted to write this blog for awhile now, but i didnt know what to say.
Are you reading this?
I hope you are.
.
Ive known for awhile now.
Theres so many things ive wanted to talk with you about over the years, but i couldnt.
Theres so many things ive thought wrong, said wrong, wanted wrong, and done wrong.
I know you know that i know where and when ive been wrong about things. Are you holding them against me still? I am.
I wonder what dreams you had for me that i denied without even knowing it.
I wonder what fears you had for me coming on the race this year.
I wonder how many feelings and trusts i have broken with you over the years i grew up in your home. How that hurt you and how unfeeling/inconsiderate i must have seemed.
My world was wrapped entirely around my own experience of life growing up. And for me most of it was shocking and painful.
I noticed everything.
I felt everything.
I was, as you said i was, totally self centered; selfish.
.
I lived in whatever world i could crawl into – away from the reality that scratched the chalkboards of my mind. I think you understand what im saying. I know you do.
There are some things about life that make it so unbearable we subject ourselves to whatever hungers lurk that pull us away from the awareness of that pain…and so dive headlong into pits of despair we have no idea we have dug.
I know you dont trust me.
.
Does it even matter that i write this?
.
I realize that unwittingly by the choices i have made in life that i have dragged part of your story into a new direction. Getting into UCDavis, moving to Hume, teaching in Korea, coming on the Race….Am i right?
Have they affected you?
How?
Although i am stubborn beyond belief and have my own brand of “me” i still hope in the deepest part of me that some of it has been good.
.
The Race has this part called PVT. Its for parents….
I think i mentioned it in a few of my blogs.
We were also told we could invite parents to launch.
It was painful for me to be there at launch with most everyone around me with their parents.
I didnt invite you because i couldnt. I dont trust you.
Its been a long time since i trusted you.
Part of me hates you.
Ive hated you more than i do now, but for a while now ive been telling God i forgive you – and asking that He help me forgive you in ways and areas i dont even know i havent forgiven you.
I love you.
I have always loved you. Thats why part of me hates you. Because every hurt hurt so damn much. – i know you know what i mean.
Anyway, PVT.
Then there was PVT.
.
7th month on the race we had PVT: Parent Vision Trip. It was an opportunity for parents to come spend a week with us out on the race.
I didnt invite you. But you know that.
I didnt tell you about either opportunity because just thinking about telling you, or extending the invitation hurt and made me nausious and afraid all at the same time.
It was easier to ignore it…not think about launch or PVT and almost pretend i was parentless…Plus, did you even have the money or desire to come?
I doubted it.
I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind under my firm decision that i didnt want you to come.
How would it be if you did?
You ruin things.
You make everything about you. You try to control everything. You expect me to make everything good for you – it seems, without thought to how i feel.
It would have hurt so much to invite you and have you come or not come.
.
But i missed you.
It hurt so much that you werent there.
I longed for you at launch.
I longed for you at PVT.
I tried to ignore the feelings.
I did what ive always done. I ran away in my head. I pulled on my smile and i made my checklists to keep me occupied. I did what i knew to do: i survived – just like id learned to growing up.
I didnt care you werent there.
I was ok.
The unshed tears tore a hole seven layers deeper into the dungeons of my mind…
.
I have been carrying this all year.
An unseen thing stuffed into the bottom corner of the invisible burden ive been lugging from country to country – all that exceeds the 50lb limit thats been imposed on my life – but ive found a way to detour through….
So, I need to discard this before i come home.
I need you to know, because you deserve to know.
You were not invited this year, but it hurt not to invite you.
I have a lot of unresolved pain (and probably anger) about it – about you.
But, I want you to know that whatever it takes, i want to extend grace to you.
You have no idea – and if you do, may God bless you for it – the amount of grace that God has poured out on me in my life.
His mercy and grace just wont end with me!
He is continually chasing after me in a way that honestly makes me scared sometimes.
He is ruthless.
I know you know what i mean.
I hope that you know what i mean. It is the best and most terrifying thing to be hunted by the hound of heaven.
.
I want you to know that He’s been teaching me about grace. It may take a lifetime, but i want to extend grace to you, and if youre willing to recieve it i will be so happy to keep on giving it.
You know that there is no shade of wrong His grace cannot cover.
If you dont know this i am telling you: there is no shade of wrong that His grace can not cover. He is so good Dad!
His goodness burns through me and makes me tremble!
It is far better and far exceeds anything you even hinted at! Its made my heart feel like a balloon blown past its capacity – and still my heart beats inside my chest.
I have stood and seen God use me! In crazy ways! Ways you wouldnt believe even if i told you.
But,
Grace.
I have so much pouring down on my head and filling my cup….
If your cups empty – and i think it is – wont you sit with me a while?- and i would be so grateful to God to be able to pour some of mine into yours.
Whatever shade of grace you need Dad, i ask that God would teach me so i can pour on you all i have undeservedly recieved from Him.
Love,
Me
.
Dear Mom,
Ive wanted to write this blog for awhile now, but i didnt know what to say.
Are you reading this?
I hope you are.
This is for you too.
Always, the things your heart most longs for, and that you deny yourself hope of, are for you.
