Let me start by saying that I have been under a mental and emotional attack since the day I was accepted to go on the World Race. I have been battling fears, discouragement, anger and uncertainty that Satan has been throwing my way. Some of that anger was even mine directed at God… Yes, God.
See, I have been praying about the World Race since 2009, when I first heard about this amazing opportunity and have been trying to prepare myself for if and when I get accepted to go. Last year, I applied and didn’t get accepted because of some issues they felt I needed to work on, which I did. So, to counseling I went. I was ready then… I felt like this was definitely something God called me to, but I was hurt that God didn’t think me ready. It was hard. I thought I wouldn’t try again. I didn’t want to face the pain of rejection again, but for some reason I applied again… And I GOT ACCEPTED!
This time around though, I didn’t feel ready. I was in a relationship with someone I knew wouldn’t support my decision to go. I was in a spiritual funk and I didn’t feel close to God. Praying was hard, going to church was hard, and reading my Bible was hard… And yet, I applied. I applied and got accepted!!
I know that God has given me a heart for missions, for serving the lost, and for following the path He has set before me. So why the anger towards Him? Because I wasn’t ready for Him to take me out of my comfort zone. I’m angry that I don’t feel ready. I’m angry that I feel inept or disqualified to go… And yet He’s asking me to go. I’m angry that I have to give up things to serve Him. Why can’t it be easy? Why must I always give up something for Him to use me? Why must me saying yes be so hard?!?
See, I am afraid! I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of not being able to raise enough money to go. I’m afraid of letting my team down. Most of all though, I’m afraid of letting God down. All of the other mission trips that I’ve been on were all short term and never really required a huge amount of faith to go. But this is a whole year… This is completely taking away everything I am comfortable with and thrusting me into situations that I HAVE TO TRUST GOD! And that scares me.
But last night, I was reading a devotional that I randomly opened and I read all about courage, faith, and strength. It hit me that it’s okay to be afraid, it’s okay to be uncertain, and it’s okay that I feel totally unprepared…
Because God is preparing me in my fear: “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
God is preparing me in my uncertainty and doubt: “Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong.”
1 Cor. 16:13 “For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Cor. 5:7
See, with everything that I am dealing with, I have never once questioned or doubted that He is calling me to go. I know I’m meant to go! I know that God has called me for this trip, this time in my life, and for the heart that I have now! So even with all the doubt and fear that has been surrounding me, I choose to lay down my life at the feet of my Lord and Savior. I choose to follow Christ without hesitation because while I do not trust myself… I do trust Him!!! Completely and totally!!!!
One of the most significant and encouraging songs for me right now is by Hillsong Live “Where feet may fail”
“You call me out upon the waters, The great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find you in the mystery, in oceans deep. My faith will stand!
And I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves, where oceans rise. My soul will rest in your embrace, for I am yours and you are mine.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide, Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me. You’ve never failed and you won’t start now!
So I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise. My soul will rest in your embrace, for I am yours and you are mine.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me! Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.
Oh Jesus, you’re my God. I will call upon your name. Keep my eyes above the wave. My soul will rest in your embrace. I am yours and you are mine!!!
So me obeying God is far more important than feeling unprepared because He will never give me more than I can handle lol… And if He has called me, who am I to say no?
Love you all,
Carolyn Stoltzfus
