I am a sinful being… living upon this earth knowing that I am meant to follow Christ; but do I follow Him? In name only is not enough. In spouting off half truths and whole lies about where I am in my relationship with God… in knowing that I am embarking on an intense mission from God Himself and I am no where near ready spiritually to go, to preach, to bring others to Christ. In short, I am a hypocrite… a Pharisee… an imposter.
If you do not understand… let me explain…
My name is Carolyn Stoltzfus, I am 29 years old, I live in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and I am a prime example of what I call the “Paul Predicament”… I do the things I do not want to do, and do not do the things I want to do.
I am on my knees at the altar before God, praying for forgiveness even though I do not want to ask… not feeling like God will forgive me, or that I have the right to ask. I have the old devil on my side telling me that I am not truly forgiven because I don’t “feel” as I am.
I am trying to follow God, but my actions are of those of a harlot, a blind beggar groping in the darkness for every scrap that I can get. I have disregarded the commands of my Father and have been sleeping with the pigs, like a real prodigal daughter. BUT I want to return to my Father. I want to walk in His footsteps. I want to ready myself for my Bridegroom’s return.
Instead, I’m at the altar feeling like a plague upon His house.
You know, there is a meme out there that says something like this “I have soooo much stuff to do, so I’m going to take a nap”
That’s how I feel. I know where I am spiritually is not where I’m meant to be, especially with where and when God is calling me. I know I have to start making godly choices and stand upright and holy in His sight. I know I have to call the old devil what he is and cast him out. I know all this, and yet… “I’m tired and I want to take a nap.”
My sincerest prayer is asking God to give me strength to wake myself up! I want to take an energy dose of His holy Word. I want to shake off the lethargy of my soul by dancing in worship. And I want to be eternally and soulfully aware by the lies from the devil by kneeling in prayer before my Lord and King. I don’t just want all of this though, I need it!!!! And up until now, the only God I have been receiving or accepting has been whatever I got from church. Prayer is nonexistent in my life. Reading the Bible is nonexistent. Worship music is barely existent. And yet, I feel called to go out into all the world and preach the good news of Christ!
Here’s the thing… I don’t really have a good ending to this blog except that I am now aware that I can’t take naps anymore… that I have to start a relationship with my Father again.
I just needed to get this out because I believe God is asking me for proof that my actions will speak louder than my words… To make a declaration to let Him change me. If I write this out and you read this, please pray for me… please keep me accountable for the words I have written. Please don’t give up on me!
I don’t want to live in sin. I don’t want to nail Jesus to that cross anymore. I don’t want to keep practicing the “Paul Predicament”…
I don’t want to nap my life away.
