I am finding it so hard to believe that in just a few short days, my squad and I will be leaving Nepal for Cambodia. So many things have happened here that I found myself simply living them all instead of writing about them, so I apologize to everyone for not updating my blog before now.
Nepal is filled with beauty wherever you look and while I thoroughly enjoyed the beauty, let’s be honest… I spent most of it looking at my own two feet. This whole entire month, I have been battling with self and what I wanted, and missed a lot of things that could have and would have been great! While Nepal has been dealing with earthquakes (yes, we felt some too) and strikes because of government reformation and things like that, I have been dealing with heart issues that I didn’t know I still had. I tried choosing joy, but felt far from it. I felt far away from God this month and was left struggling to smile each day. To be completely honest, I didn’t want to be here in Nepal teaching English or visiting people in the slums or walking miles up mountains or hills to bring churches the Word of God. In short, I had a huge heart issue that needed dealing with and I wasn’t dealing with it. I closed myself off from my team and my squad. I struggled with praying to my Father or reading the Word. I had a negative outlook every time I woke up. I kept most of these emotions to myself, but as they say, out of the heart the mouth speaks.
So one night, during feedback and team time, I allowed myself to become vulnerable with my team. What was so great about this and how it changed my heart was the fact that my team did not try to fix the problem, which was ultimately my heart. They let me say my piece… everything I was struggling with and everything I was feeling… without judgment. They allowed me to be open and honest to even myself for the first time the entire month. And then they prayed over me. While this acknowledgment did nothing to fix the problem, there is always freedom in allowing people to see your mess. And they definitely saw it!!
So now these past two weeks/week and a half, God has been showing me the futility of feelings and how it’s the heart He wants, not my good feelings. It is hard to choose joy when all you want to do is crawl into your cave-made bunk bed and take a nap. It is hard to love when you don’t feel like you can love yourself. And it is hard to grow in Christ when you’re fighting change. But there is grace in that growth! That is something that God has fully shown me this month. Even in my huge negative outlook God kept pursuing my heart and was helping me along the road of hard change.
He gave me grace when I was angry at situations that I couldn’t change. He gave me grace when I complained to Him about climbing ANOTHER mountain to pray over the city – so glad I did now!! He even gave me grace when I fought every step of the way. But the great thing about His grace is that He freely gives it and is patient with me. He loves me even in my negative attitude. He pursues me even when I’m holding Him at arm’s length. He gives me grace when I’m angry at Him for putting me in situations where I am uncomfortable, which I am, beyond measure, eternally grateful for. Because I know that growth isn’t possible when I’m comfortable.
So, the Red Sea… it seemed like an impossible feat for the Israelites to accomplish. It was staring them in the face with the enemy closing in and they had nowhere else to go. They were uncomfortable and complained to Moses about leading them out only to be destroyed. They were probably pretty angry as well. But instead of God giving up on them and allowing the enemy to take them for not trusting Him, He gave them grace. He redeemed their faith by splitting the Sea in two. He allowed them to cross over the impossible to bring them closer to His promise. But not only that… they crossed over on DRY GROUND! He made it possible for them in such a way that it didn’t bring further shame on their bad attitude. He allowed them to cross the Red Sea without throwing mud in their face as if He was saying “How dare you cop an attitude with Me and not trust Me!” He showed them grace, just like He is now showing me grace. He allowed me to cop an attitude so I could see later on how wrong I was. He has given me so much grace this month and I am so thankful that He hasn’t and won’t give up on me. How amazing is His love for us. How amazing is His grace for us. The grace He has given me allows growth through Him!
Exodus 15:1+2, 11-13 and 17+18 says, “Then Moses and the children of Israel sang this song to the Lord, and spoke, saying: ‘I will sing to the Lord, for He has triumphed gloriously! The horse and its rider, He has thrown into the sea! The Lord is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation; He is my God, and I will praise Him; my father’s God and I will exalt Him! Who is like You, O Lord, among the gods? Who is like You, gloriously in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders? You stretched out your right hand; the earth swallowed them. You in Your mercy have led forth the people whom You have redeemed; You have guided them in Your strength to Your holy habitation. You will bring them in and plant them in the mountain of Your inheritance, in the place, O Lord, which You have made for Your own dwelling, the sanctuary, O Lord, which Your hand’s have established. The Lord shall reign forever and ever!’”
