I never thought that being on the Race could look like me living at home, but that is exactly what happened this month. I started treating the ministry like a 9-5 job and retreated away from everything else 95% of the rest of the time. I loved the ministry I was working with, but it was really easy to let God sit on the sidelines and not spend any time with Him, because honestly… “I got this, God.” But because I didn’t spend any time with Him (and I do mean none at all), it was easy for Satan to get a foothold in the door. I started struggling with past addictions and I knew it was cutting me off from my team and cutting me off from God.
It went on this way for the entire month until one evening during a certain team time. My teammate Hope had asked us to write down some questions that she wanted us to ask God… to write down our answers to God. Questions like “Where is your relationship with God?” Where do you want it to be?” and things like that. This was the moment where I realized that my sin had become more important to me than God. WOW!! What a wretched thing to realize… but there is also redemption in this story. God didn’t let me sit in my sin. He hadn’t turned away from me through this process. Most importantly though, is that He welcomed me back into the fold when I honestly repented to Him for my sin.
So yea, this blog is going to be a little different than my others because I am going to share with you all a prayer that I wrote to God. I’m sorry if it’s a little long, a little all over the place, with songs included that He gave me and a lot of personal stuff. But I feel like this is something I am supposed to share.
*** Abba, I have trouble believing that you can fix the mess that is me. (“Your Grace is Enough”- SONG). God, why is it so hard for me to be faithful to you? I want to love you more than anything or anyone else but my sin has taken precedence over everything else! God, can you still use me? (“OCEANS” – SONG). You still wanting me doesn’t make sense to me, but you keep saying “I do.” You not only still want me as your bride, but you renewed your vows by saying “I do!” It’s so hard to receive that when I know that all I’ve done this month is grieve you. I want to make a change. I want you to change me… I don’t want to whore myself out to my sin anymore. I know it won’t be easy, but I don’t want to sit in my sin anymore. Father, why me? Why did you choose me when you knew and know everything about me? Why did you set me aside? How could you choose me? I’m not employee of the month and I feel like I won’t ever be that for you. But you’re inviting me into your throne room. Still, even now, even in my mess, you’re inviting me to sit on your lap on your throne of grace.
Father, I repent! I’m truly sorry that I am grieving you… that I’ve actively stayed away from you this whole month because of my shame. My shame in my sin is great, but your grace is more… will always be more! You are singing songs over me and they are all about grace! I don’t deserve this, Father. I don’t deserve your grace and yet you lavish it on me. Why me? And not just about the World Race. Impossible is possible with you! (SONG: Brave – Moriah Peters). I really do not want to live my life without you. I’m not cut out for it. I’ve felt your fire in me before and I can’t live without your strength. Even in my deplorable state, I’ve never wanted to be without you. I’ve never been happy being in sin, no matter the fun or pleasure and that’s saying something, right? That even when I am running from you, my heart and soul longs for only you. But even still, I don’t want to white-wash my shit anymore because it doesn’t change what it is or the stench of it. Deliver me out of the enemy’s grasp! Renew my strength in you, Father. Teach me the combat moves to knock the enemy out. Please repair the heart in me according to your will.
Will you always say, “I do?” Will you always choose me? Will you always want me on your team? My flesh says I’m too messed up, but I know your heart is always turned towards me. I’ve been listening to all the wrong voices, Father. I asked you to show me what I need to lay down/to let go to have a sweeter and deeper relationship with you. In fact, last month I asked you to show me and instead of giving me a checklist and throwing everything in my face, you let me live in my depravity for a month so I could see how deep it went… how far it took me away from you. You waited for me to see it and then you gently loved me back into your arms. You’ve never stopped loving me! (SONG: “By Your Side” – 10th Avenue North). Father, I don’t deserve your love but I thank you for it anyways! How great are you, God! Your never changing love is and will always be for me! You aren’t quitting… you will always want to lavish your love on me. Deep waters cannot quench your love for me. Father, thank you for choosing me! ***
Since that prayer, I haven’t stopped praying to Him. My prayers are changing and the way I am praying is becoming sweeter and truer. He has been giving me boldness in the way I pray and He is allowing me to grow in Him. This isn’t a finished product by far, but He is keeping me under the shadow of His wings and changing me into His bride. Oh, how I am loving falling in love with my Groom. It isn’t always easy… the changes are hard and becoming harder. The more I let go, the more He is asking me to let go. He is my comfort but He did not call me to a comfortable life or relationship with Him. But that’s okay. He is becoming everything to me… and I am desperate for my Everything!!
Here are also some songs that He has also been pouring over me…
“Flawless” – MercyMe
“Redeemed” – Big Daddy Weave
“Give Me Faith” – Elevation Worship
“Touch the Sky” – Hillsong United
“Chasing You” – Bethel Music
“From the Day” – I am They
“Steady my Heart” – Kari Jobe
“Hold Me” – Jamie Grace
“Worn” – 10th Avenue North
“King of My Heart” – Love + the Outcome
“I am New” – Jason Gray
“Marvelous Light” – Ellie Holcomb
“Completely” – Among the Thirsty
“Greater” – MercyMe
“Here’s My Heart” – I am They
May they bless you the way they blessed me and may they bring you closer to God.
Love you all so much and thank you for your prayers and support. By the way… Thailand is amazing!! Expect to see another blog up soon.
