Yesterday, while I was working, the little girl I nanny was having a huge temper tantrum and I told her that she needed to adjust her attitude or go in timeout (Something I have told her a couple times in her lifetime already)… But this time, God stopped me in my tracks and and reminded me that I needed to adjust my attitude too.
“God, me too? What is wrong with my attitude?”
He gently told me that for the past couple weeks I have been having a slight temper tantrum with Him… I haven’t been trusting His will or that He knows what He is doing.
“But God, I trust you… Don’t I?”
And in that brief moment of hesitation, I saw my lack of faith in Him and lack of trusting that He is for me. I feel discouraged when I look at my fund raising page… I feel disheartened that the funds are not pouring in. And I feel mad that money is my main focus since I’ve been accepted to go on the World Race. I HATE FUNDRAISING!!! I hate feeling like I’m begging people for money. I hate that I’m not a super suave speaker/blog writer that will touch a mass amount of people’s hearts. Most of all, I hate feeling like my dream… The dream God gave me… Is slipping away and non-reachable. My lack of faith and trust in God angers me to no end!!!
In church we sing, “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders… Wherever you would call me… Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander… My faith will be made stronger.” I love this song, I’ve sang it (probably off key lol), I’ve cried to it, I’ve danced to it… And yet I struggle with this very issue.
See, a couple days ago my squad and I were told that our launch date had moved up about a week and half from the original time… Which means we have less time to raise funds. Instead of having 6 weeks between deadline $3,500 and deadline $7,500, we now only have 4 weeks… And AIM is strongly urging us to try to have the $7,500 by May instead of June. And so, comes in the doubt, which I know is just a ploy of the enemy to discourage me from even trying. But I won’t give up! I can’t! Not when God has called me forth to go into all nations and preach the Gospel… Not when He has given me the desires of my heart. So, yes I am struggling to regain the peace and assurance that He has me in the palm of His hand and that He is for me. I am trying to trust Him. I will follow Him, no doubt… But I don’t want to doubt that He’ll pave the way through the mountain instead of me grappling for a ledge and dangling mid air. I don’t want to see the next couple months as a mountain that cannot be moved. I want to trust!!
My wonder heavenly Father knows my struggles so well… And so, comes this lovely devotional: “Trust without Borders” by Arabah Joy where she writes in the introduction (something I never really read in a book)
“A little seed of doubt planted in the heart of a woman was all the serpent needed to cause the whole of mankind to fall. Unbelief keeps us from loving others, sharing Christ, taking risks, giving ourselves away, and praying God’s truth. It keeps us bound in our mediocrity. Our faith affects the events of our lives. ‘Let it be done to you according to your faith.’ Jesus said. This sin of unbelief marginalizes our spiritual potential. So how do you stop committing this sin? How do you replace it with faith?
Practice!!! We all learn the same way, by getting our hands dirty and practicing, day after day! We learn to flex our faith muscles through practice. Since faith without works is dead, then what if we, through practicing together, put feet on our faith and built into our lives the habit of trust? When the anxiety (fear) pounds and we want to retreat, we practice stepping out and forging ahead anyway. When life overwhelms and the way is dark, we refrain from lighting our own candles to practice relying on our God instead. When the child seems lost and our own strength isn’t enough, we trust that God is faithful and He will do it. When things look hopeless in the land of famine, we practice picking up the oil jar and pouring that last bit out anyway.
We practice faith and we live trust.”
WOW!!! This spoke to me so much! And God brought me to this very book right when I needed it. God, my wonderful Father, knew I needed an attitude adjustment. He knew I was struggling before I did.
The Gosple of John is a book “written so that you might believe” (John 20:31). I find it motivating that God saw the struggles of the doubter – those who, like me, grapple hard to trust. God did not leave the doubter flailing in a state of distrust, but found a way to reach out and redeem them/us/me from our sin… The sin of unbelief. He allowed such a gospel to come to us, so we might believe… So we might adjust our attitude… Our attitude of faith!
ADJUST YOUR ATTITUDE, ADJUST YOUR FAITH!!!
As for my funds raised VS my funds needed, I am at 15% raised… 2,500 out of 16,350… And I am believing that God will see me through!! Thank you for all your prayers and support and love… It means more than words can say.
Love you all,
Carolyn Stoltzfus.
