To be completely honest, yesterday was a very hard and discouraging day for me in terms of financial need for this trip. It wasn’t really different than any other day, it’s just that the reality of the support I need to go, in addition to all the gear I need to purchase seemed like an overwhelmingly HUGE number!
The fact is that everyday the number is huge, but yesterday I was concentrating on the number instead of how big and faithful my God is. I let my thoughts wander into unsafe territory and I paid for it. I was stressed, unpleasant, teary-eyed and thinking this was all impossible!
My parents offered encouragement all throughout the day, but I had put God in a box. I muttered “I know” and “I’m fine” time and again, but I surely didn’t act like I was fine or that I knew God would provide.
It wasn’t until the end of the work night that I had a revelation. I was heading upstairs to leave and my parents were a few steps back when I heard my mom telling my dad that this was something I had to work through and then she said, “She used to BE the bank remember?”
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
You see, this time last year I was living life with a pretty hefty sum of money in my savings account. I was all about saving for a big house and a nice car – I was debt free and extremely comfortable. Money was not something I lacked, in fact, I could have paid for this trip in full with money left over!
My mom’s comment about me BEING the bank – she wasn’t kidding. I paid for various things that needed to be done around the house or for the business. It didn’t bother me to see the dip in my account, because I knew it was coming back to me eventually. Only, over time God started working in my heart and I no longer wanted the money back. I wasn’t worried about it, because I realized the number in my savings account had a far greater hold over me than it should have. Matthew 6:19-21 – I realized I was storing up treasures on this earth that would hold absolutely no weight when standing before my Father in Heaven.
Towards the end of Crazy Love, Francis Chan writes, “I wrote this book because much of our talk doesn’t match our lives. We say things like, ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,’ and ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart.’ Then we live and plan like we don’t believe God even exists. We try to set our lives up so everything will be fine even if God doesn’t come through. But true faith means holding nothing back. It means putting every hope in God’s fidelity to His promises.”
I used to be that person, but thankfully who I am isn’t who I used to be.
I prayed that God would wreck my view of normal, that He would instill in me a faith and trust in Him like never before. I can no longer rely on myself for finances or anything else, but that is fine, because I am now truly living by faith.
I will not go by what I see, for I know my God is BIG ENOUGH.
[If you feel led to stand with me financially or prayerfully in this ministry, please contact me or click the link on the left hand side that says “Support Me!” Thank you!!]
