At the end of last month I felt God call me to do the Daniel fast. Short and sweet, the Daniel fast means only fresh veggies and fruits, nuts and seeds, beans and herbs, but not processed salt or oils, meat, etc. for 21 days.
I wasn’t exactly sure what this would entail. I’ve never done a fast before. I knew I had an unhealthy relationship with food and God wanted more of my attention, so I decided these must be the things God wanted me to pursue during the fast. While I wasn’t wrong about those things, I did not anticipate the underlying lesson He would open my eyes to.
Contentment. Honestly this is an easy word for me to shy away from. I’m used to wanting and needing. The thought of being content whispers of change. I am very stubborn when it comes to change. I don’t like it if I can’t be assured of the outcome. How can I know I will be happy in “contentment?” What does that word really mean, anyway?
The transition to Bulgaria has been a pleasant one. It’s warm, green, quiet but not dead, it thunders and rains, the ministry is favorable, my team and I have our own private apartment, the meals we’ve prepared have been amazing and filling despite my idea of what being on a “fast” would look like…I told my team three days in that this had to be the most content I had been in years. I felt like I was soaring on the wings of joy.
Then something inside me tripped when that word came out of my mouth. Suddenly my thoughts became obsessed with this word I hardly understood. Content… Why am I content? What does that word really mean? I began to ask God what this word meant.
The answer is somewhat predictable. Contentment is being okay with where you’re at with God, all the while watching the future horizon for areas to grow. Contentment without God in the picture is just happiness- a very temporary feeling. Contentment isn’t supposed to be a feeling- it’s a state of mind and spirit.
With this realization, my idea of contentment and what I had been feeling began to quickly slip through my fingers. I could feel it leaving me. Happiness abandoned me when I pulled off it’s mask. Kinda like the ring abandoned Gollum.
The loss sent me into a mental frenzy. You can’t tell anything is wrong from the outside, but inside the storm clouds rolled in and started to drizzle. A sad byproduct was writers block- something I’ve never experienced before. I began to get frustrated and felt like I took several steps back. I asked God what true contentment in Him looks like. Honestly, I’m still in the middle of learning.
One of the things He asked me to do after I had this hard talk with Him was to give up seconds for the rest of the fast, to be physically active, and work on discipline. These may seem like small things, but if you know me, you know I love food and hate exercise. Also, I’m not very disciplined in most areas of my life. I’d like to think I am, but I’m not.
So while being happy isn’t bad, I have learned the difference between this temporary emotion and the contentment in God that says I’m okay whether the sun is shining or it’s pouring. I’m learning to enjoy where I am geographically, and be okay that I’m not always feeling happy. It’s okay to enjoy Bulgaria and miss my family at the same time. It’s okay to enjoy fruits and vegetables and beans, but still miss steak. It’s okay for me to enjoy a lazy day, while hating not being able to breathe when I go for a run.
Just because I don’t feel happy doesn’t mean I can’t be content. I’m learning a hard lesson in being satisfied in Christ alone.
