“Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.” Galatians 5:1
I’ve struggled with words for as long as I can remember. I have things I want or need to say, but can’t seem to physically open my mouth to say them. Since coming on the Race, I have felt this heightened. More than likely because I’m forced out of my comfort zone of just giving up. I’m pressed to share my thoughts or to share something with a squad mate or a stranger.
I’m at war. My heart wants so badly to speak freely, but my tongue has been tied down by the chains and lies of the enemy. Lies that say I can’t say things clearly enough or it’s not important enough, or it’s not eloquent enough, that I’m not good enough.
Last week at debrief, our mentors, leaders, and coaches challenged us in many things. One that stood out most for me was about identity.
We were asked to come up one at a time, and denounce lies that have been spoken over us by others or ourselves.
Then, before I could talk myself out of it, I found myself standing in front of the whole squad, and all our leadership. I confessed many of the lies I have believed…but it wasn’t enough. I was asked to denounce them.
My rational side wanted to discredit the idea. How could denouncing out loud help any more than saying it in my head?
But as I forced myself to speak truth, I realized this war of my mind and thoughts is more than flesh and blood or me being timid. I physically struggled to open my mouth to denounce lies. Why?
The enemy knew he was losing a foothold in my mind and spirit. He tried to use fear to poison my mind and cause paralysis again as he had so many times before. But I overcame. I spoke the Truth over myself.
This was the most freeing moment of my life. It was such a seemingly simple act, but it had profound affects in the spiritual war in which I am engaged. I spent the rest of debrief feeling lighthearted, free, and like my true self God always intended.
However, somewhere along the line between debrief and arriving at our ministry site, lies crept back in. I found myself shutting down. I felt the most withdrawn and helpless I had felt yet.
Frustration built up until I couldn’t hold it in any more. I couldn’t figure out how to talk about it, so I wrote about it. I wrote it and left my journal open for God to read my heart.
It was truly releasing for me, but it’s still a struggle. It’s not a one and done deal. The enemy seeks to kill and destroy and he knows my weak spots. He won’t let up if he knows I may take the bait and believe his lies.
I’m being challenged daily to step out of my comfort zone…but I’m realizing it’s more than just a comfort zone- it’s a war zone. The only way to combat it is to pick up my sword and shield and fight, and not succumb to the flames. I do not want to be tangled in the yolk of this bondage any longer.
In Christ I am free.
