Well, it’s been nearly a month since I left for training camp.
I frequently find myself wishing I were back in Gainesville, Georgia, listening to another session, having another scenario, or wondering what the cultural rules for the day would be. I loved the “routine.”
The whole thing was incredible. I was constantly being spiritually, and many times physically, challenged. I grew so much. Since being back, I’ve had to wrestle with the fact that it’s different here. It may sound silly, but it’s true. I knew it would be different. I knew it would be another challenge.
Honestly, the biggest challenge has been to not become stale and content with the growth I made at training camp. I have to continue to be open to challenges. This is difficult because at training camp the challenge was directly presented. Here, I have to discipline myself to listen and watch for the challenge. If I am obedient in listening to the Holy Spirit, He will challenge me. He’s not any different here than at training camp. The difference is the location and the amount of noise and distraction.
Honestly, sometimes I feel like He’s silent. I try and try to listen, but I can’t seem to make anything out above the noise of my own mind. I get frustrated.
This week, one of my team mates posted a blog, A Lesson In Confusion. Emily said something in it that hit home and spoke to me- resting in the unknown. (I’m so excited to live life with these girls on my team.)
I cried as I read it. I realized I was trying so hard to “hear from God” in my own strength that I wasn’t able to rest in Him and truly listen. I wanted to know what I wanted to know and I wanted to know it now! I am my own worst enemy many times.
Once I came to this realization, I relaxed and rested in the unknown. I silently and patiently waited for Him to reveal what He wanted to say to me. I’d love to say that it came right away, but it didn’t. Well, I guess it kinda did. I was convicted very suddenly to give up Facebook for three days. I replaced the app with a bible app. Let me tell you, I did a lot more bible reading. 
See, Facebook is a great tool. Unfortunately, it is also a great mind-noise maker. I didn’t realize this until the next day, when out of habit, I went to click on the app several times and ended up reading the bible. It was actually kinda neat….and harder than I thought. It was easy to give it up at training camp for 10 days when I was always occupied. I never missed it. But here, when I get bored ( which apparently is far too often), I mindlessly flip to it and scroll through it for anywhere from a half to a whole hour at a time. Completely mindlessly. Several times a day. Creating tons of mind noise for myself…drowning out the world around me and the Voice I so desperately wanted to hear from.
Well, I am back on it. I still struggle with it. BUT! I had an awesome God moment today. I made a point to put my phone down, so as not to be distracted, and directly asked God out loud what it was He wanted to show or teach me.
This always makes me excited but a little nervous because I know I don’t always like what He has to show me about myself.
Today it was about forgiveness.
This was something we had gone through at training camp, so at first I was a little confused. “God, why are you showing me this? We did this already. What else or who else am I to forgive?”
We talked about layers at camp. Sometimes God heals us in layers- not always all at once. He brought someone to mind I felt I had forgiven already, so again I was confused and a little irritated. But I couldn’t deny the conviction that I was to forgive this person again.
I cried. (This seems to be a reoccurring theme -_-) I realized that even though I may have forgiven this person, I hadn’t forgiven them for hurting me, if that makes sense.
They had shaped the way I viewed myself and others…and not for the better. I was convicted of this bitterness. I asked God to forgive me for my unforgiveness and for strength to forgive this person.
Forgiveness does not happen in human strength. Sure, we can say we forgive them, but it’s only by His strength can we also be healed. Sometimes we need to forgive others, but sometimes it’s ourselves we need to forgive, too.
I’m a work in progress. But I can tell you, nothing is more freeing and healing than forgiveness.
Some notes from my journal during training camp about forgiveness:
“Unforgiveness is one of the most destructive forces in the world.
Matthew 18:21-35
Forgiveness is an expectation Christ has from us.
Forgiveness makes grace shine brighter.
Do you understand how much you have been forgiven?
Symptoms of unforgiveness:
-replaying conversations where you were hurt
-are there people you avoid and/or treat with indifference?
-are you talking about them?
-are there people you wish would fail and/or feel pain?
-people you’re really offended by for no reason?
-treat passive/aggressively?
Why we forgive:
(Un)Forgiveness will shape your heart.
Unforgiveness is toxic- it changes what you believe, can lead to hatred.
Christ died so forgiveness could reign.
Forgiveness brings redemption.
Unforgiveness/bitterness can cause you to not receive love.
Our battle is not against flesh and blood.
How to forgive:
-Get in touch with God’s forgiveness
-Make a choice to forgive
-Continue to choose forgiveness even when you don’t feel it or they don’t ask for it.
-Forgive to the full extent
-Pray blessing-even when your heart isn’t in it.
-Make a conscious effort to not hold grudges or have enemies.”
Christ showed ultimate forgiveness. We are to model His behavior.
Forgive them, even if they would have you crucified.
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If you have a Spotify account (it’s free), feel free to check out my post-training camp playlist- O, How He Loves Me
It’s encouraging and uplifting and awesome. 🙂
