I’ve been struggling. With what to write, what to think, what to do…*sigh*
I’ve been so overwhelmed. Some good; some bad.
I finally had enough and went in my room, turned off the lights and just cried. I cried and talked to God.
Afterwards, this is what I wrote in my journal:
“Well, it’s just under a month until I leave. I’d love to say things are going smoothly, but they’re not. I’m more stressed than I could have imagined. I’ve been sick, tired, and feeling constantly overwhelmed and behind. I have so much to do. My mind is in a fog.
I’ve felt under attack from the enemy. I’ve been trying to read my bible, but I’m only praying when I’m at my wit’s end.
That’s not how it’s supposed to work. I shouldn’t be waiting until I break down sobbing to tell God my troubles or ask for guidance. That should come first.
If we have a friend who knows we’re struggling, wouldn’t we go to them first since they understand?
Why don’t we do that with God?
God, forgive me for trying to do things on my own again.
I didn’t even notice I was doing it again.
I can’t and don’t want to do this on my own.
I need Your guidance and truth to set me free of myself.
Give me Your strength to deny Carolyn and embrace Jesus.
I want your light to shine through this vessel.
Be my Light in the darkness,
my Hope in the hopelessness,
my Peace in the storm.
Be my Strength in my weakness,
my Rock in the quicksand,
my Love in the hatred.
Be my Shepard through the night,
my Protector in every fight,
my Healer in the pain.
God, I can’t do this on my own; nor is it my desire.
I’m giving You the reins back again.
Speak into my heart and my life. Use me to glorify You.
Teach me to run to You first, for You loved me first.“
God has blessed me in this season, despite my selfishness. He blessed me with a laptop from my parents and a camera from a coworker for the race. The fundraising is going well, too. Instead of obsessing over what is not done, I need to refocus on what has been done and how I’ve been blessed and remember that He is with me always. I need to take things one at a time, and days one at a time.
I’d like to ask for your continued support and prayers through this journey. This whole thing is crazy to me and new…but it certainly fits into the theme God seems to have for me this year: trust.
