what a wild month it has been!
let me start with training camp.
I felt like, as I was walking into training camp, I was walking, and without knowing what is ahead, I stepped right off of a cliff. I was falling for a couple of days looking around in anxious confusion, wondering: why am I falling? how did this happen? where is God? am I in the right place? why am I still falling? when will I hit the ground? WHERE. IS. GOD.
then. God swooped me up under his wing and suddenly I was flying with Him out of the deep end. (for all of you Harry Potter fans, Buckbeak is exactly what I imagine!!!)
now let me explain.
I walked into training camp not knowing what to expect. there was such a quick and harsh adjustment to so much newness. physically- sleeping in tents, sweating 24/7, bucket showers, etc. emotionally- processing so much from the cultural & practical lessons to getting to know my squad of 40+ people, to processing what is going on in my own head with my walk with the Lord. my mind was overcrowded and that alerted the enemy to come and attack. I was overwhelmed by all of training camp and suddenly I added the weight of lies, fears, doubts, labels, and concerns that the enemy was speaking into me. for the first time, I felt what spiritual warfare really is. I had a vision of God and Satan fighting over me and it felt like Satan was winning.I felt heavy. I felt lost. I felt unseen. I felt trapped. **keyword: felt** (your feelings are not always truth people!!) I still knew the truth of the Lord in the back of my mind, but Satan was doing a very good job of clouding those truths so that I would sulk in the lies he told me. I was falling and I needed saving. I needed to know that I was in the right place. I needed comfort. I needed joy. I needed reassurance. I NEEDED TRUTH.
I asked God to reveal something about himself to me around day 3. and wow PSALM 91 BEGAN TO COME TO LIFE. instead of seeing Satan and God fighting over me, I saw a huge wing wrap around me and shield me from the very same lies, doubts, and fears Satan was trying to attack me with. (again…imagining Buckbeak)
“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield.” psalm 91:4
amen! an answered prayer! I realized that God is my defender. that wing carried me through the rest of camp. not to say that the rest of camp was easy. it was far from that. but I was no longer falling in a confused daze anymore. I was so much more confident in who God is and what he has promised me.
the rest of the week was a lot of team and squad bonding. it was worship nights. it was culture days and introducing new foods. it was growing intimate with the lord. it was asking questions. it was learning to appreciate instant coffee. it was running 2.2 miles with 40 lb packs on. it was digging deeper into what these nine months will look like. it was LEARNING.
We learned a lot: intimacy with the lord, healthy communication, forgiveness, being people of honor, world religions, how to be respectful of other cultures, cultural lenses, practical advice on working with translators, practicing some of the most common types of mission work, defining worship, what it means to die to self, understanding missions and our calling as followers of Christ, and the list could go on.
I left with a heart full of:
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excitement for the community of guys and gals I get to walk/stumble/skip/jump alongside for these 9 months. I met my new family & that’s wild.
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anticipation for what the Lord is going to do. for what ideas I have in my mind that he is quickly going to show me He is much bigger than. for the salvation I will get to see. for the rich cultures I’ll get to taste. for the struggles I’ll look back at smile at.
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repair of what’s broken. of the sins and earthly desires that daily I choose. I have so much to grow in. let the growth begin to mend and repair my brokenness and my flesh.
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peace over the concerns and questions that I always find my crazy train of thought returning to. over the fact that I don’t need all of the answers. over the fact that it won’t all be easy and sunshine and rainbows. over the fact that this is where I’m supposed to be.
it took me a while to write this because quite honestly I needed a break. These ten days were taxing on my mind. I felt alllll the emotions. I talked a lot. I processed a lot. & my introverted self needed rest. that “rest” became an excuse for unproductivity and laziness. then the “rest” soon became sickness that made me feel guilty over the rest my body needed to get better and to heal.
so here I am. finally done with being sick. done with “resting”. time for actually finding rest only in the lord. time for goodbyes, lasts, crossing the t’s, and dotting the i’s.
my heart is still full of excitement, anticipation, repair, and peace. However anxiety is creeping its way in as I think of leaving the people, privileges, and comforts of “home” and entering a wild new chapter full of adventure, discomfort, leadership, growth, and unknown. please keep me in your prayers. pray that the anxiety would flee and that I would step into this new chapter on September 5th with a confident “yes” in my spirit and a peace over my heart.
thank you for reading, praying, and investing in my journey!!!
much love,
Caroline
***ALSO**** I still am in need of some fundraising support. If you would like to be so generous, you can either click “donate” on the left or you can shop some of the dope designs I created!!! Here is the link for the merch :)) on sale until the 17th!!! https://www.bonfire.com/store/caroline-knudsen/
p.s. if you want to stay involved in this journey with me you can subscribe so that you can be notified via email every time I write a new blog post!! you can also follow along on my instagram @caroknud where I will be active throughout the race 🙂
