Exactly one year ago today, I started what would be the hardest, best, most fruitful, most frustrating, most lovely year of my life… & I’m concluding it with my final blog post.
This year was by far the most surprising.
Thinking about it makes me cringe at bad memories, laugh at the random ones, smile at the sweet ones.
First I must clarify… this year was not only the world race.
A year ago today started with the world race, which a few emotional rollercoasters and roughly seven months later, was abruptly ended. The year continued into quarantine, then into what I see as my actual “transition” home, and has ended with my next season of college just beginning.
& It was a year of my greatest discoveries to date.
I’m currently reading a book that talked a little bit about how we so desire the life of Jesus, but in reality, we are so often unwilling to access his lifestyle, and it states this….
“But in Jesus’ case it is worth the cost. In fact, you get back far more than you give up. There’s a cross, yes, a death, but it’s followed by an empty tomb, a new portal to life. Because in the way of Jesus, death is always followed by a resurrection.”
This year cost me a lot. A lot of things died.
It cost me comfort, physically and emotionally. It cost me control, my expectations, and much more.
But as that quote says, with Jesus, death is ALWAYS followed by a resurrection. Followed by LIFE in ways we can never imagine.
This past year, I learned how to surrender. I tasted freedom. I learned what obedience looks like when it hurts to obey. I heard the voice of the father for the first time, and learned how he speaks to me. I realized what ministry really means. I understood the power of intercession. I gained a much wider, a much deeper, a much better perspective of the Father, his Creation, and his Children. I learned how to live in the type of community we are called to live in. I learned to run to the Father with everything. I understood the commandment of sabbath and rest. I learned strengths and passions and gifts that the Lord has given me that I used to write off as a weakness or as “something I could never do”. I learned about leadership. I learned to rest in the beauty of wherever I am, because each one is purposeful. I learned the consequences of looking for earthly things for satisfaction or fulfillment. I learned that activism can look like many different things. I learned the beauty of an intimate relationship with the Father looks like.
I have memories that I could never explain. I have pains that I could never express. I have testimonies that I can’t describe.
The past 365 days have looked far different than I expected. But they are more beautiful. They are full of death, and of resurrection.
Don’t let me fool you though.
Yes, I have learned a lot.
But many, in fact most, of these lessons I’m still struggling to learn. I’m still unlearning and relearning. I look back and see a year of extreme faithfulness of the Lord….but then I see myself wandering.
I’ve seen a lot of the Israelites in me. Wandering and waiting. Complaining and confused. They’ve already seen extreme faithfulness and even still they doubt. They just walked out of (or through) a miracle and in return, they question and cry. I just walked out of my own miracle, and in return I’ve probably given the Lord more silence than praise. More questioning than confidence in his promises. I’ve reached for control more than I’ve surrendered it. I’m still sinful and unworthy of Perfect Love, yet he freely gives it anyways.
Every morning, he still says I’m enough.
Every morning, he still keeps his promises.
Every morning, he still shows me grace upon grace.
Every morning, he forgives.
No matter how much I’ve grown, I still fall short. But even still, he delights in me.
He only gets better….and perhaps that is the greatest lesson of all.
This year (and the eighteen before) have been full of surprises, ones that look like answered prayers and ones that look like expectations that are not met, but then are exceeded in different ways.
Let Him surprise you. Surrender your plan to His. It may cost you more than you’d like to think, but I promise it will end in life. His surprises are rich in divine purpose. Just say yes.
