The funny thing about this blog is I started it back in May. I wrote the first 4 sentences (in orange) and then put it on pause. I knew I was called, but I didn’t know why. I also felt extremely, extremely inadequate. I knew I was called and I knew I was feeling less than enough. I ultimately knew God had a reason, but I couldn’t figure it out. Little did I know God would answer all my questions a few weeks later at training camp.
I have been called to the world race. Why? I’ve been asking myself the same thing recently. Sure, I absolutely love adventures, traveling, and Jesus – but there are so many other believers out there that would be a much better choice. I think I’ve always struggled with comparison, but I didn’t always realize it. I used to think I was just competitive.
I couldn’t be happy for my friend who got an award, because I was competitive. I couldn’t tell my friend congratulations on her newest accomplishment, because I was competitive. I couldn’t be happy for my brothers when they got sport’s recognitions, because I was competitive. If someone said another girl was pretty, I wouldn’t agree, because I was competitive.
I thought I deserved the awards and/or recognitions and when someone else got them, that was a direct stab at me saying “you’re not as good as them” or “you’re not enough.” If any of that sounds familiar, you aren’t struggling with competitiveness, you’re struggling with comparison.
Comparison had completely taken over my life and I didn’t even know it.
Today is Saturday and I got back from training camp on Thursday afternoon. I’ve been trying to process all that happened and what I wanted to share. The Lord did so many things in my heart, a lot of things I’m still working through. When I went to start a new blog, I saw this one listed in my private/under development blog list. When I saw the title “When You Feel Called, but Inadequate” I knew this is what God was wanting me to share at this time.
Almost as soon as I got to training camp I started to feel overwhelmed. It was all immediately so REAL. I was actually getting ready to leave for 11 months with people I’ve never met. Suddenly that feeling of not being enough was magnified x100. I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone, let alone the people we’d be meeting on the race. When I pray, I don’t have a big vocabulary and I’m not very graceful with my words. Before training camp I had never even shared the Gospel or my faith with an unbeliever. What would I have to offer anyone by going on the world race?
Everyone I talked to had an emotional story about how they got to the world race. But me? I heard about it sophomore year of college and decided I would go once I was old enough and had graduated college and now, here I was. My story wasn’t good enough.
For the first day I did my best to push most of these thoughts to the back of my mind, but that only did so much. Then on the second day during worship, it came to a boiling point. I couldn’t focus or even sing. I just felt so incredibly inadequate. I started to tear up, but I quickly sucked it up and tried to focus. This was the first time I started to question if this was God’s way of telling me I wasn’t supposed to go on the race. I asked Him to make it clear to me if He wanted me to go or not. I knew the enemy did not want me to go, so I wanted to be sure I was hearing God’s voice and nothing else.
Then, not even 2 minutes later, Tay (one of my favorite humans ever), tapped me on the shoulder. She said she was trying to concentrate and she felt like the Lord was giving her a word of encouragement for me. She wrote me a note:
"One of the first things I've noticed about you since getting to know you at training
camp is that you have a very sweet and gentle spirit. And, I believe one of the reasons God wants you on this trip is because there are so many kids you are going to meet in
all these countries - specifically kids who dont know real love. Who don't know what
being loved unconditionally feels like. And because of that sweet and gentle spirit
inside you - whether you notice it or not - you are going to impact them in such a
significant way. Just them being around you - they are going to feel that sweet, gentle spirit."
Like guys, WHAT THE HECK?! I didn’t tell anyone how I was feeling. I wasn’t crying uncontrollably, so there was no way she could have known how or what I was feeling. God spoke to Tay and then used her to speak to me. I didn’t even tell her that everything she had just told me completely and entirely answered my cry out to God a few minutes earlier. I waited until the next day. I think I needed to process everything. I had never had God speak to me so directly.
That same night I was trying to figure out why I felt like I wasn’t enough. No one’s ever told me I wasn’t good enough. It was alway me telling myself that. I am my own worst enemy.
All this to say, none of us are adequate on our own. We are only made adequate through Christ. I am enough, because He is enough. I cannot do anything or say ANYTHING that makes me good enough. It is through Christ alone that I am made good enough – and He makes me so much more than just GOOD ENOUGH.
When we say we’re not “enough” we’re saying His sacrifice on the cross wasn’t enough. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to look at God anymore and tell him that his only son’s death on the cross wasn’t enough for me.
There’s something so calming about that. I don’t have to do anything or be a certain way. I just have to follow Christ. He has already made me enough, so I’m just along for the ride, going where He leads. Wow! If that’s not reassuring, I don’t know what is.
Comparison affected me in every way possible. It affected my relationships, friendships, and most importantly my walk with Christ. Once you realize you are comparing, you can defeat it! It’s definitely something I will still struggle with, probably for forever, but you can’t start to work on it if you don’t even recognize you’re doing it.
Now, I just want to invite you to take a look at yourself. How is comparison affecting you? Have you spent most of your life thinking you’re just really competitive, but in reality you spend all your time comparing yourself to others?
There’s actually so much more that goes along with this story, but I don’t feel like it’s time for me to share it just yet. I can’t explain it and I dont know why, but I feel like God is telling me to hold off on the rest because He’s not done with this particular story yet. There’s something a lot bigger coming and I cannot wait to share it!
Here are a few verses that I’ve found comfort in:
“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us,…and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,” Eph. 2:4 & 6
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Cor. 12:19
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:13-14
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Gal. 1:10
“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Phil. 2:3
I am still fundraising!
I would LOVE for you to join me in this journey and make this world race our world race! I would love to be fully funded by August so I can fully be focused and present while on my trip. If you would like to help me out and join my team, click the donate button at the top (on the progress bar)!
Don’t forget to keep up with my journey:
Subscribe to my blog (hit the subscribe button under the picture of my face)!
Follow me on Insta: @carolinejj14
