I just wanted to write a short post that is going to leave me vulnerable as I tell you about a struggle I have. But vulnerable is a state I need to get used to as I go on this mission.
I am a “second-guesser”. I lack confidence in my decisions and I constantly seek to have others affirm what I have done. This is in both the big and the little things. When I first moved to the mountains, I asked myself many times, “Was this the right decision?”. (In hindsight it was.) When I buy something at the store, “Was this a good use of my money?”. “Should I have used my time this way?” “I shouldn’t have worded it that way.”, “Did I mess everything up?”.
I spend a lot of time analyzing decisions that are already made and beating myself up if they weren’t the most logical ones.
I listened to a Podcast from my Korean Church the other day that got me thinking about Confidence and Humility. It seems odd but the two go hand-in-hand. We all know what Confidence is, but Humility comes from the security of your identity. For me, I am constantly looking for affirmation from others and I find myself always second guessing myself until an outsider approves. This is both a struggle in Confidence because I am not sure of myself, and in Humility since I am seeking the approval of others.
With this said, I know that this is something I am ready to be done with. So please join me in prayer so that I may grow in Confidence and Humility and truly find peace in my decisions.
