I am defensive. Because nobody likes to be misunderstood. And we feel that other’s perceptions of us are a really big part of our identity. So my biggest struggle in the world is to have other people see me the way I do: Smart, Funny, Valuable, Fun to Be with, Experienced, Sensitive, Quirky, Earth Loving, God Loving, Service Minded, Strong, Compassionate, Proud but Dependent (God made sure of that one), and more than anything, I want people to be happy.
I remember when I was really young; my mother took me to Islands of Adventures or Epcot or something like that. And I remember at the end of the day continuing to check on my mom. “Did you have a good day?” “Are you happy?” “Really Happy?” I discovered that my happiness was dependent on hers. And the next thought that hit me was an odd one that I had quite often after that. “She is happy…good. Then Jesus could come today and I would be fine.”
Wow…for a little kid to think that life was over just because I fulfilled the purpose of seeing those around me happy? I was an odd one. But that is how it always was. I NEEDED those around me to be happy, perhaps it slated some of the guilt I had as a hurt kid.
And these days, I bounce between people pleasing and securing my image and subsequently, my identity. And I am mentally exhausted.
It’s funny to picture God watching me run around like a squirrel on caffeine trying to fix things, then when I finally take the moment to pass out in the grass, He gently asks, “Are you ready to fix this now….or do you want to run about a bit more?”
I don’t think I want to do this on my own anymore. This is another thing that I have to release into God’s hands. I have to remember that my identity isn’t based on what other’s perceive (easier said than done) and it’s not even based on what I think of me. Truly God has given me one that perhaps I will never perceive correctly, but instead must trust Him about.
In Peru, He gave me three identities to walk in. “I am a Blessing”, “I am Satisfied”, and “I bring Joy to God.” (At the time I wanted different ones…like pillar of strength, wisdom keeper, or warrior princess…But you take what you get…haha)
Anyway, I have done a rather bad job of walking in those. In Malawi, I seriously saw how unsatisfied my flesh always is. And at the moment, the part of me that people pleases is still feeling so unlike a blessing.
ON THE BUS RIDE to Zimbabwe (which turned from 8 hours to 24hrs) God really showed me that walking in an identity was a choice. That I had to stop trying to please people. Even people pleasing Godly people was not pleasing to God. And that I had to stop being so defensive. The more I tried to protect my image from the team yet make them happy, the more tired I was getting. The more deep personality flaws surfaced in my weary attempts at “being a good person”. And the worse my image looked…and the worse I felt.
I have run in a sick cycle for far too long. And I think that everything is about to crash around me very soon. If my focus is on God, He will let this happen in love, and He will pick up the shattered imagine that I think I am, and He will make this beautiful mosaic of the true me. I just have to release it to him, let Him work, and keep my eyes on Him. So Here we go.
