Lately, I think I have been making a lot of mistakes. I knew how much God was trying to teach me some valuable lessons. “You won’t get your comfort back until you are comfortable with being uncomfortable.” That was my mantra during my time in Malawi, and I knew that I would grow in the discomfort.
But then here in Zambia’s capital city I find that seeking comfort is so easy. Pay less than a dollar to get on a minibus to the little strip-mall that has hamburgers, chocolate shakes, and internet. So though I was speaking my mantra and believing with my brain…I couldn’t make the action happen.
And that is when the sadness hits. I wake up joyless, I get through the days, I struggle with regrets from the past, I question my present, I grasp at comfort like straws that can only slip through my fingers. And when I finally do get the internet to work, or the chocolate shake…I am so much less satisfied than I would have ever imagined.
I was in John this morning, and after Jesus’ interaction with the Samaritan woman, He and the disciples began traveling again. The disciple groaned that they were hungry and Jesus says, “I have bread you don’t even know about.” The disciples, oblivious as usual, wonder who gave Jesus food. Though Jesus was speaking of something spiritual, let’s be honest; He was fully human too! Jesus probably was just as hungry as they were. But He still was focused on the Kingdom. He still did the good work and He still invested in the Samaritan woman that the disciples didn’t even see.
Perhaps I need to cease my focus on my needs. Don’t get me wrong, I still of course need to meet them, but I don’t need that to be my focus. By ceasing my focus on my needs (releasing them to God and trusting that He will meet them) then I may focus on the Kingdom. Sometimes we can be blinded by our wrong focus. God wants to use us in specific moments, but we are not present.
After this, it occurred to me that MAYBE IT IS BIGGER THAN YOU NOT BEING HAPPY…MAYBE IT IS THE SPIRIT THAT IS GRIEVED INSIDE YOU.
Perhaps the mantra, “You won’t get your comfort back until you are comfortable with being uncomfortable” needs to go from word to action. From mind to heart. So often I feel like a paralyzed person. The Great Physician says, “open your hand…release this to me.” And my mind tells my hand to open. The Physician again says, “Open it!” And I wonder why the fist is still clenched tight. Something gets lost between the brain and the action.
And that is where I am now. I know what I need to do. I know that I need to release my dependency on comfort to Him. But I am stuck with the Knowledge. How do I truly open that hand? This is going to be something I daily surrender I am sure. I trust that my joy will return as the Joy of the Lord when I shift my focus off of what I want and instead listen to the Spirit in me. I don’t want to grieve Him anymore.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support. We are nearing the halfway point of this journey and I know I couldn’t do it without you. To see a few photos and hear about my time with my Zambian family see http://carolinesadventuresinlife.blogspot.com/2015/02/feeling-more-like-family.html
