Yeah…I can't do this, I can't go on the race…no go
Why?
I watched The Help last week, LOVED IT!!
I also cried through the entire movie and the four hours after. "Crying" only describes the first part of the movie, weeping would more accurately describe the latter part , and the four hours immediately following. During the movie my mother walked-in, looked at me and asked “good movie?” I nodded, she laughed. A little later dad walked in, he had hard time grasping that I could love something causing me such a tearful reaction. I was struggling to catch my breath through all the tears, yet I was enjoying the movie too much to turn it off.
Caroline, what does this have to do with you not going on The World Race?
About the time I started to calm down from the movie and my body began relaxing (this kind of crying involves so much full body heaving,it is probably comparable to a full contact sport) I realized that, if I’m so completely broken over a movie DEPICTING social injustice, HOW AM I GOING TO HANDLE 11 MONTHS OF SEEING IT FIRST HAND!!?!!?!!
See! the first part ties in
I started thinking about all the pain I will see and the social makeup that creates, drives it and perpetuates human suffering. I started thinking of my sociology and anthropology classes and the countless readings that looked into the issues I am about to see first hand.
I am in a season of hurting for people, not just a little, a deep heart throbbing hurt. I feel peoples pain and my heart takes it on.
I CAN’T DO THIS TRIP!!!
I will not be able to function; I’ll be too busy crying.Too busy being broken over having seen the reality of our world.Too busy feeling helpless against the MASSIVE amounts of pain out there.
So here goes my attempt at scripting the mental mess that was going on:
– I am broken
– I am too weak
– I hurt too much for this
– This hurts too much
– I am too sensitive towards hate
– I don’t have what this takes
– This crying/pain will hold me back too much
– Papa, make me stronger!!
"Caroline, what you are feeling is my pain. They are my children you hurt for. Look through my eyes! see my children! feel it! take it! use it!
You're right, YOU can’t do this. YOU are not strong enough to feel this pain, but I’m here and I can handle it.
Don’t be afraid to feel my pain, use it as your momentum.
When my children look at their siblings through my eyes, they are moved, hopefully to action.
I’m calling you to go and love into this pain."
So I am supposed to hurt like this? Why do you break me?
"Silly girl, I love you! I don’t WANT you to hurt, but I am glad that you are so moved by my children's pain.
Didn't YOU asked to be broken?
Didn't you want me to shed away secular influences and show you the woman I created?
Well….she feels a little more than you might have thought, she Is kinda a softy
Haha (yes, God laughs at me when we talk)
Didn’t see that one coming, did ya, I created you with a soft heart (and He can be a bit of a sassy pants)
I love your mushy side, I created it!
You will learn to use it, Just ask me to show you.
Ok, I’ll go! But I still don’t feel strong enough for this. Show me how to contain this, or use it, or something….I just can’t feel this much hurt for others, not for 11 months.
So now what? …..I have no clue, but, I know I am ready to do more than sit back and cry over something on a screen. I am ready to go out and find the pain, see it, feel it, love it. I’m ready to learn from those I hurt for. I am ready to cry over pains and in those moments call on God. I'm excited to learn what that will lead to. I am ready to find His passion. I’m not strong enough for this next year! but I don’t have to be, He is.
This was the first time I had doubts about the World Race that were not about the physical preparations of getting everything needed to go.This was the first time I questioned if I had what it took to go. In the past, I had questioned if I was being called to go, or if it was just another Caroline thing, this was always a short dilemma. God would usually remind me of the contrast between who I was two months ago (before signing up) and my heart today.
It's a no-brainer, God has asked me to go. He is changing me. The other day he told me to stop driving out of a parking lot and go pray on someone I had been chatting with, I'm glad I did
THANK YOU Jesus. Thanking for making obvious changes in me, for opening my heart to listen to you in ways I never knew I should. Thank you for becoming clearer and clearer for me to hear you.
I AM stronger
I AM love
I AM hope for the hopeless
I AM Limitless
