Definition of INTEGRITY (according to Webster)
1: firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values: incorruptibility
2: an unimpaired condition: soundness
3: the quality or state of being complete or undivided: completeness
I have always loved the word Integrity, and it is a quality I so deeply admire in people when I see it, a quality I seek after and strive to follow in my actions and words. In my prayers and the deepest desires of my heart I pray to be seen as a woman who walks in integrity.
I'm pretty sure God has been listening to my prayers….go figure
because my hope, Lord, is in you."
Psalm 25:21
His answer to them, in general God vs. human flawed thought fashion, is a little different than I expected. Yet still far more valuable than any form of response I could have concocted; a great theme found when looking at God's plan vs. ours.
Since India (month 4), the Lord has been walking me through what it means to be consistent in my faith, joy, boldness, attitude, love, praise, and trust. He has been walking me through what it means to be a woman who walks in soundness and consistency in those things. God has been talking to me about being a woman who changes the environments I enter and not a woman who is changed by the environment, something that takes a great deal of faith and trust in God to do.
Conversations with God – Rwanda, Month 6
"Caroline, think into all the times over the past few months when you felt disconnected from me. Times when you knew you were not operating as the woman I have called you to be. What in your heart and actions was different during those times?"
"Well…..I kinda feel like you might know the answer to this, you being God and all. Is this going to be a moment of introspection where, in answering your question, I see that I have been an idiot in something and realize the solution to my grief has been obtainable the entire time I have been sitting in this stuff?"
"Very probable, now why don't you answer my question"
"Duh! You have been talking to me about sacrificing a heart of praise since Nepal.
pray continually; give thanks always ,
in all circumstances,
for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Sure! The world is a pretty scary place and for the past 25yrs, I have acquired some pretty good reasons to 'fend for myself' and try and avoid pain"
"What does 'avoiding pain' generally look like?"
"keeping stuff to myself"
"So it is possible, that even though we had already talked over not having an orphan heart and operating out of a sense of needing to constantly protect yourself from being hurt or let down, you might have reverted back to that for a bit? Is it also possible that you are so accustomed to walking away when community seems uncomfortable, unsafe or out of your control that your fleshly heart went into 'survival mode' when it felt threatened and you shut down?"
"Sounds about right"
"In shutting down, you did a lot of shutting Me out. Even though you cried out to me, you were so consumed by your fear of community that you were not operating in complete trust in me. You spoke it out, but your heart did not act accordingly"
"So, now that I am aware of this, you are going to hold me pretty accountable to it?"
"You got it!"
For three months I spent time in a season where I did not want to trust where the Lord had me without knowing why I was there. I knew that He was growing me, refining me, teaching me; but I had no idea what that looked like and was not pleased with the emotions and lack of freedom I felt. If asked if I trusted God, I could speak out the truth and reply that I knew God was good and I knew each moment was an opportunity to grow and see His love; often times this was an internal conversation. Because I could speak out the truth, I could not see that my heart was far from feeling and operating in trust. I fell into a pit of dissatisfaction and stopped operating out of the core of who I am. I lost my walk of praise and trust and felt very unsafe. I lost huge pillars of my character such as energy and joy. From there, I started to mourn the things I knew I was struggling to operate in and spent months face down asking God for a revelation that would take me out of the pit I had placed myself in.
After months of praying, God placed an amazing woman in my life to refresh my Spirit and take me from my pit. I met Laura, a long term missionary in Rwanda, and I was confronted with someone who was filled with the Spirit I had quenched. I was given the blessing of someone who reminded my spirit of the operation it felt free in.
"God, really! I have been face down praying to find my way out of this for months and the way out was 'choosing in' to joy and praise"
"Wait, why did this take so long?"
"Really Caroline! Why did YOU take so long? The choice was yours. You could have decided to trust me far before now. It has hurt my heart to see you like that. Your lack of rest and inability to see your lack of trust was hard to watch, but I will not force you to trust me. Learn from those months. Decide that you do not want to go back to unsteady ground. Decide to be a woman of consistent foundation and simply have peace in knowing I am constant even when others are not!"
My hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
Psalm 62: 5-6
"Did I lose my integrity?"
"You did for a bit. You have been praying to be redefined and taken to a raw place; that means the things you held on to as pillars are being changed. Your soundness now has the ability to come from something that never has and never will change: Me.
yesterday and today and forever."
Hebrews 13:8
'Yup"
"I like that, let's do that"
"OK! Get ready to DIG deep with me"
Barbara De Angelis
